1. i think it is beautiful, you have talent.
my favorite line "what do we have to offer amid such displays?
just a resolve we've come to hold
stagnate against our fate"
umm since this is my first time on this site, i'm not used to it yet. So i'm sorry this comment isn't the best.
I love the line the others have mentioned but the one right below it is what first caught my eye:
and the storm will wash away our shining hue
I like the image you paint here. The more subdued greys and blues washing away the sunshiney brights.
I like the line about the leaves, too. Something that I often stop to watch just before a storm.
And I like the idea of trying to offer up something amid natures’ diatribe.
What can we say? What can do that could ever compare?
At first I wasn’t all that taken with the last line. But then I thought of how it can have more than one meaning and I became captivated.
Yes, I like this one very much.
The only crit I can offer right now is that maybe you want to drop the word “and” in the last line of that first stanza. I guess, likewise, you could drop the “the” before “leaves” at the beginning of stanza 2. Just ways of further tightening up the piece. But I only mention these things to “seem” as though I have something to offer.
Perhaps I will come back at some later date when I am less enamored by the piece. After the honeymoon period is over . . . and see what I could offer then.
my thought process through this is that we are destroying ourselves in one way or another, dirtying what we have...and the stench is awful...
but how thoughtful of the wind to blow it all away...how thoughtful of the rain to wash it all away...
maybe it will all be canceled out...and we can start over...not be so full of ourselves and appreciate others more, and appreciate what's around us more...instead of soiling it all---
if i were the sun, i would hide my face also...wouldn't want to see what is happening, what this society is doing to itself.
we've gotten away from being natural and beautiful.
I haven't heard such wisdoms since the last time I listened to nobody (k)nowhere saying nothing, and boy was that ever a mouthful. "Yesery, it was due yesterday" I recall he said, "reach for your imagination's immaturity, bring it to fruition, defeat the unfulfilled lacuna of your minds conception."
"the rain seems a thoughtful gesture"
I liked that a lot!!!
As for "stagnant against our fate" I guess your correct we must be careful that the infamous weness of us, doesn't fall to the notorious theyness in them. Obstinate pugnacious audacity must defeat political subterfuge or all may be lost in quagmire.
Submission Name: Stay
