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    dots Submission Name: As you weredots

    Author: OneDarkFlame92
    ASL Info:    23/m/Numeanor
    Elite Ratio:    5.3 - 461/424/227
    Words: 285
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 815
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1189


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAs you weredots

    Either through example or mockery,
    the sky opened up,
    showing us the stars.

    We're no better than them--
    allowing the morning to whisk us away
    So tonight we'll put on a show
    cutting ourselves open like the sky

    Be patient with me...
    I'll get it eventually.
    I'm sorry;
    I forget to breathe sometimes.
    The clouds are coming
    to heal our wounds,
    But I still feel like dancing.
    I think I can move my feet now,
    as the moon bleeds through.

    Glowing like the stars, you are
    (Not a single hint of mockery)
    And I feed off your ephemeral warmth

    You're the only one
    who can break me;
    like the sun and the horizon--
    a beautiful explosion that leaves me wanting

    to stagnate somewhere over the mountains.

    Submitted on 2012-07-08 12:15:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      You're the only one

    who can break me;

    like the sun and the horizon--

    I like this line a lot. I like a lot of this. I don't get the last lines.

    a beautiful explosion that leaves me wanting


    to stagnate somewhere over the mountains.

    The speaker wants the person to stagnate over the mountains? To linger as a golden, shining object for him to gaze upon? Is that it? When I first read it, it seemed like it was meant as some vague wish for the person to come to harm. I don't know why I got that but I did. Even now, it doesn't seem to be a "happy" wish or thought. I guess that has something to do with the mockery. It seems somehow both mean spirited and desperate. Wanting. I don't know.

    Your writing has an elegance to it. I don't know how that fits it with what I'm saying here, but I wanted to add that. It has a wispy, kind of musical quality that lulls you into it. Even when you're not sure what "it" is.

    | Posted on 2012-07-09 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      "i feed off your warmth" but there is mockery...it's just hidden where i don't see it, or don't want to see it....i only see stars and clear skies for us.

    and yet i want you to break me...if i'm crazy for loving you, so be it...

    the "stagnate over the mountains" can be taken two ways...good or bad.

    stagnating as if unable to move on...i should but i can't, or won't....

    i like how this develops...like something being show to "us"...we are the lovers who could reach the stars...then it goes to something being just shown to the speaker...as if to say "be careful" she has fooled you before and is doing it again...

    then there is the "i don't care, i just want as much as her as i can have, for as long as i can"

    he puts his heart out there once again...ignoring the clouds that he sees in his peripheral vision...knowing they will block out his sun..

    there is some beautiful explosion of feelings when we meet...so i do not care the consequences, i want that explosion.

    one suggestion...grammatically, the fourth line should be "We're no better than they"

    and they would induce better rhythm also.

    overall...such a good piece...the second poem within the poem is nice...the clouds could heal our wounds, but will they? or will they just cover them up for a time being...before clear skies show us what we have done to ourselves or what you have done to me.

    | Posted on 2012-07-08 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

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