Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

If I am the Apple of...


Author: charmedidentity
ASL Info:    23/F/Canada
Elite Ratio:    6.9 - 864 /897 /406
Words: 213
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1345
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1168



Description:


This is my first post in a long time. The first few sentences flowed to my mind and the rest came about. A broken love...


If I am the Apple of...



If I am the apple of poison, then so are you;
The temptation you bring to bid thee adieu
Fills me with dread of what I can possibly do
Exposing the core of my weakened virtue.

If I am the reason of pain, then you are my heartbeat
Without your words of passion, I remain incomplete.
Despite the claim of displeasure of my love you meet
I am but the only one who will never bow to defeat.

If I am the scum of the earth, then you are my rain
That feeds the elements of all that I contain.
The love that you screech of as terribly profane
Is the only bond I have left of you to retain.

If I am the death of you, then you are my phoenix
Rising from the ashes of our lethal antics
Returning the love we once shared back to basics
And realizing in this moment, there is no quick fix.

If I am no longer the apple of your eye, then I shall go
And replace my indulging love for a love of a widow.
The matrix of our affection is now, nothing but an echo,
So I leave you be, my beloved, a time of long ago.




Submitted on 2012-07-12 13:29:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  I like the attempt and think you suceed. If this is your first attempt at rhyming I am in awe of you and even if it isn't I think that the concept of the poem is very good. I like the feeling behind it and think that maybe as readers we shouldn't focus too much on the rhyming.

You have been dearly missed by the way.

I love it when the words just come to your mind. The inspiration suddenly hits and you scrounge for a piece of paper and pen to capture the words before they escape.

this poem hits home because they truly speak of a broken love. At first the broken love bit didn't really hit but the last lines really hit the theme.
| Posted on 2012-07-17 00:00:00 | by Katrinagolden | [ Reply to This ]
  Good content but a little awkward reading. Of course if this fits with the author's mood... that works also. Good to see you posting again.
| Posted on 2012-07-15 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
  Irina:

I think that your insistence on using the rhyme scheme and rhythm that are particular to this post have led to some memorable lines (such as "If I am the death of you, then you are my phoenix") and some very awkward ones as well ("Despite the claim of displeasure of my love you meet"). As a whole, this write is worth smoothing out the sonic stumbles because the tone is so genuine.

You're right, it has been much too long since your last post.

Bill

| Posted on 2012-07-13 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  It's nice to see something that rhymes once in a while. I must tell you though that the rhyming in the third stanza is waaay off. I don't know if you can rhyme phoenix with anything but it doesn't rhyme well with antics, I think you should redo that part...
| Posted on 2012-07-13 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
  it's almost like the speaker saying to the other...i am the death of you, but you give me life and breath--

i am the apple, you are the temptation..i like that.

there are lines...the seventh line is trippy...it stops the flow of the piece...but most other lines give a nice beat.

and i leave you be...i need you, but am no good for you...so i will let you alone...

the ultimate sacrifice..unlike Eve who said, "hey, bite this apple."
and took Adam down with her.


jacob
| Posted on 2012-07-12 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



195523