Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Lost Paradisedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: charmedidentity
    ASL Info:    23/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    6.9 - 864/897/406
    Words: 178
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 698
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1112



    Description:
       It is but a deserted island that looses its heart to a concquerer of land who's only purpose is to satisfy its own desires.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Lost Paradisedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your land is empty of vessels
    for which I
    must conquer it all.
    Without this help of mine,
    your islandís heart
    will only fall.
    My wicked ways does no harm,
    even when I do
    make you feel small.
    Shrivel not into your hidden cave,
    for you will always be
    my baby doll.

    Your smooth
    uncharted curves
    I only wish to mark as mine.
    With my coarse callous hands,
    I guarantee your virtue
    will be fine.
    Fear not my future plans
    to turn your rawness
    a cosmopolitan design.
    For at the end of this journey,
    your deserted heart
    will be divine.

    Your paradise is lost
    in this horrendous amount
    of solid concrete.
    As centuries do pass,
    the love we once shared
    has buried its passionate heat.
    This ambition of mine
    shattered as I walk alone
    on this crowded street.
    Remembering the moment
    I first caught sight of you
    looking loving and sweet.




    Submitted on 2012-07-19 13:16:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The poem was a bit confusing. I'm not sure if I'm misinterpreting but the structure seemed a bit awkward and I was unsure as to the meaning.

    The third stanza seemed to deviate away from the meaning of the first two. At first the voice of the poem seemed to come from a suitor in pursuit of an innocent lover but then the third stanza just went off to another path.

    Were you attempting to connect the chase and the consequences of giving in?

    I'm a big fan of your writing but I was just confused. It makes me feel like I'm not doing a good enough job at reading and interpreting.
    | Posted on 2012-07-19 00:00:00 | by Katrinagolden | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    195568

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Dream written by closetpoet
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    FamiliarDemons ¬©‚ĄĘ written by kyserin
    The World written by jjd
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry