[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: A Lost Paradisedots

    Author: charmedidentity
    ASL Info:    23/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    6.9 - 864/897/406
    Words: 178
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 719
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1112

       It is but a deserted island that looses its heart to a concquerer of land who's only purpose is to satisfy its own desires.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Lost Paradisedots

    Your land is empty of vessels
    for which I
    must conquer it all.
    Without this help of mine,
    your islandís heart
    will only fall.
    My wicked ways does no harm,
    even when I do
    make you feel small.
    Shrivel not into your hidden cave,
    for you will always be
    my baby doll.

    Your smooth
    uncharted curves
    I only wish to mark as mine.
    With my coarse callous hands,
    I guarantee your virtue
    will be fine.
    Fear not my future plans
    to turn your rawness
    a cosmopolitan design.
    For at the end of this journey,
    your deserted heart
    will be divine.

    Your paradise is lost
    in this horrendous amount
    of solid concrete.
    As centuries do pass,
    the love we once shared
    has buried its passionate heat.
    This ambition of mine
    shattered as I walk alone
    on this crowded street.
    Remembering the moment
    I first caught sight of you
    looking loving and sweet.

    Submitted on 2012-07-19 13:16:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      The poem was a bit confusing. I'm not sure if I'm misinterpreting but the structure seemed a bit awkward and I was unsure as to the meaning.

    The third stanza seemed to deviate away from the meaning of the first two. At first the voice of the poem seemed to come from a suitor in pursuit of an innocent lover but then the third stanza just went off to another path.

    Were you attempting to connect the chase and the consequences of giving in?

    I'm a big fan of your writing but I was just confused. It makes me feel like I'm not doing a good enough job at reading and interpreting.
    | Posted on 2012-07-19 00:00:00 | by Katrinagolden | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Carry written by saartha
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Shi written by ShyOne
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Cover written by saartha
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    prison written by ShyOne
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]