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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Perfect Lovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: SaraGMorley
    Elite Ratio:    0.52 - 0/1/1
    Words: 466
    Class/Type: Poetry/Religious
    Total Views: 763
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2742



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Perfect Lovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    This pain cuts through my heart
    Like a razor cuts through my skin
    So many things I try to explain
    But where should I begin

    Nobody wants to understand
    They don't even try to hear
    All the things I try to tell them
    It seems they just don't care

    I feel I can no longer stand
    These emotions that I feel
    They creep throughout my mind and heart
    So I know that they are real

    I've felt so much pain for so long
    Can anybody even try to see
    That I try so hard not to end my life
    For the ones who claim to love me

    I no longer wish to try
    To care about and love myself
    For the people I hold closest to me
    Don't even know how to help

    It feels like there's no point in life
    At least I don't see purpose in mine
    I tried to be strong and I got this far
    But now I feel I've crossed my line

    Why do people always have to judge
    Why can't they try to understand
    I'm living this life to be with God
    When my time on earth comes to an end

    Yes I chose to marry a man
    A man who made a big mistake
    But it's not like I'm perfect either
    And it was my decision to make

    To be with him or to let him go
    How hard could it be to choose
    Well nobody knows how hard it is
    Because he is not theirs to lose

    If I left this man right now
    If I got up and just walked away
    How would that make this pain fade
    And could I ever be okay

    Nobody sees him for who he is
    He's not a monster on the inside
    I know because I've seen his pain
    I've wiped the tears he's cried

    I cannot change the love I feel for him
    I would not choose to if I could
    How can anyone seriously know
    Whether I shouldn't or I should

    I know they can't because of this
    A being who has the perfect love
    His name soars above all names
    And he is more peaceful than a dove

    To every need we have on earth
    Only he can truly suffice
    He is my precious Lord and savior
    His holy name is Jesus Christ

    I love this man as love was meant to be
    The way that God did intend
    And it is through this perfect love
    That broken hearts can mend

    So until you know what true love is
    Don't tell me how mine is so wrong
    Look first at the love of Jesus
    Then you'll see my love was right all along




    Submitted on 2012-07-22 23:38:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well, your first few lines were kind of off putting.

    "This pain cuts through my heart
    Like a razor cuts through my skin"

    Almost every direction you walk to, you'll usually find someone refering to "razors". The suggestion I wish to put forth to you is to find an alternative. Pottery, shards of glass, exposed edges of a mirror. There are plenty of poetic sharp edges to use, and the razor blade has been played out quite a bit.

    "I've felt so much pain for so long"

    I understand what you're trying to convey at this point, but this sentence seems a bit wordy with the double use of "so".

    "I've felt this pain for so long"

    or something along those lines. I think it would read better as well with the lose rhyming if you cut out that double "so".

    "But now I feel I've crossed my line"
    "But now I feel I've crossed [the] line"


    I think the "me" in this part causes it to be a bit more self absorbed than you might wish it to be. If someone seems so centered on themselves, instead of trying to explain the emotion they feel, it might turn off the reader at this point. Seeing as your poem is so long you may wish to avoid doing just that.

    "Well nobody knows how hard it is
    Because he is not theirs to lose"

    I'm actually found of that. You couldn't have stated it better, and the simplicity of it makes it that more potent.


    "Don't tell me how mine is so wrong"
    "Don't tell me how mine is [x] wrong"


    I think using "so" isn't the best option for most poems. I use it a lot, and I'm not the greatest writer. I see others "flaws" more than my own which stops the growing process for me. But I believe taking out this "so" will further inhance this part of the line.

    Rosey


    | Posted on 2012-07-24 00:00:00 | by ARoseyTint | [ Reply to This ]


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