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The Perfect Love


Author: SaraGMorley
Elite Ratio:    0.52 - 0 /1 /1
Words: 466
Class/Type: Poetry /Religious
Total Views: 781
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 2742



Description:




The Perfect Love



This pain cuts through my heart
Like a razor cuts through my skin
So many things I try to explain
But where should I begin

Nobody wants to understand
They don't even try to hear
All the things I try to tell them
It seems they just don't care

I feel I can no longer stand
These emotions that I feel
They creep throughout my mind and heart
So I know that they are real

I've felt so much pain for so long
Can anybody even try to see
That I try so hard not to end my life
For the ones who claim to love me

I no longer wish to try
To care about and love myself
For the people I hold closest to me
Don't even know how to help

It feels like there's no point in life
At least I don't see purpose in mine
I tried to be strong and I got this far
But now I feel I've crossed my line

Why do people always have to judge
Why can't they try to understand
I'm living this life to be with God
When my time on earth comes to an end

Yes I chose to marry a man
A man who made a big mistake
But it's not like I'm perfect either
And it was my decision to make

To be with him or to let him go
How hard could it be to choose
Well nobody knows how hard it is
Because he is not theirs to lose

If I left this man right now
If I got up and just walked away
How would that make this pain fade
And could I ever be okay

Nobody sees him for who he is
He's not a monster on the inside
I know because I've seen his pain
I've wiped the tears he's cried

I cannot change the love I feel for him
I would not choose to if I could
How can anyone seriously know
Whether I shouldn't or I should

I know they can't because of this
A being who has the perfect love
His name soars above all names
And he is more peaceful than a dove

To every need we have on earth
Only he can truly suffice
He is my precious Lord and savior
His holy name is Jesus Christ

I love this man as love was meant to be
The way that God did intend
And it is through this perfect love
That broken hearts can mend

So until you know what true love is
Don't tell me how mine is so wrong
Look first at the love of Jesus
Then you'll see my love was right all along




Submitted on 2012-07-22 23:38:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Well, your first few lines were kind of off putting.

"This pain cuts through my heart
Like a razor cuts through my skin"

Almost every direction you walk to, you'll usually find someone refering to "razors". The suggestion I wish to put forth to you is to find an alternative. Pottery, shards of glass, exposed edges of a mirror. There are plenty of poetic sharp edges to use, and the razor blade has been played out quite a bit.

"I've felt so much pain for so long"

I understand what you're trying to convey at this point, but this sentence seems a bit wordy with the double use of "so".

"I've felt this pain for so long"

or something along those lines. I think it would read better as well with the lose rhyming if you cut out that double "so".

"But now I feel I've crossed my line"
"But now I feel I've crossed [the] line"


I think the "me" in this part causes it to be a bit more self absorbed than you might wish it to be. If someone seems so centered on themselves, instead of trying to explain the emotion they feel, it might turn off the reader at this point. Seeing as your poem is so long you may wish to avoid doing just that.

"Well nobody knows how hard it is
Because he is not theirs to lose"

I'm actually found of that. You couldn't have stated it better, and the simplicity of it makes it that more potent.


"Don't tell me how mine is so wrong"
"Don't tell me how mine is [x] wrong"


I think using "so" isn't the best option for most poems. I use it a lot, and I'm not the greatest writer. I see others "flaws" more than my own which stops the growing process for me. But I believe taking out this "so" will further inhance this part of the line.

Rosey


| Posted on 2012-07-24 00:00:00 | by ARoseyTint | [ Reply to This ]


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