[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: If I let you godots

    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 137/243/158
    Words: 51
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 609
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 306


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIf I let you godots

    If I let you go, it will be like standing in the sun,
    On one of those afternoons, disguised to disappear
    And take you with them.
    For whatís going to be left, for sure, looks
    The sun into the eye
    And the tip-toe cold felt isnít from the wind.

    Submitted on 2012-07-30 11:48:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Just a couple of thoughts, I thought some repetition might be good to amp up the feeling. And, I think that might help tie in with the mystery of the 'disguised' theme/thought which could add further mystery, like: does she have a choice (it seems there is no choice) when it might be more lovely and sadder if there was at least the appearance she had some choice.

    If I let you go, it will be like standing in the sun,
    Open-sandaled, if i let you go
    On one of those afternoons, disguised to disappear
    And take you with them.

    I know this poem, I can feel it, which is to say that I admire that you have written it, it's like listening to one of those songs I listen to to write with - and then putting up some of those words with one of those songs for you all to listen to.

    I like that what isn't said makes up a lot of the story, you see here is a person being powerful and powerless and I like that heart.

    I like that your words are so dense like a sonnet and subtle and full of interrelated things. It's what can be changed and what can't, it's what's said and isn't said that makes the state.

    To write at a state is powerful.

    Do you need the wind and the tiptoe deal at the close?

    For me, in this poem, the cold is that state of reliance.
    .... 'I just prayed to a God that I don't believe in.'

    that kind of state, where you don't get an answer back.

    Anyway, I do like your writing.
    | Posted on 2012-08-03 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      feeling cold after i let you go..or because of feeling cold i let you go..

    either way the warm breeze is gone...maybe it was already gone..

    but i am shivering...you make me need a sweater.

    | Posted on 2012-07-30 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Bond written by saartha
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Summer written by layDsayD
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Giving written by jjd
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Push written by JanePlane
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    untitled written by Chelebel
    This written by Chelebel
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    To written by SavedDragon
    Linger written by saartha
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]