If I let you go by expiring

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: If I let you go dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	expiring_touch
ASL Info:	30/f/Hamburg
Elite Ratio:	3.95 - 139/254/170
Words:	51

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	1068
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	306

Description:

If I let you go dots

-------------------------------------------

If I let you go, it will be like standing in the sun,
Open-sandaled,
On one of those afternoons, disguised to disappear
And take you with them.
For what’s going to be left, for sure, looks
The sun into the eye
And the tip-toe cold felt isn’t from the wind.

Submitted on 2012-07-30 11:48:44 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
Just a couple of thoughts, I thought some repetition might be good to amp up the feeling. And, I think that might help tie in with the mystery of the 'disguised' theme/thought which could add further mystery, like: does she have a choice (it seems there is no choice) when it might be more lovely and sadder if there was at least the appearance she had some choice.

If I let you go, it will be like standing in the sun,
Open-sandaled, if i let you go
On one of those afternoons, disguised to disappear
And take you with them.

I know this poem, I can feel it, which is to say that I admire that you have written it, it's like listening to one of those songs I listen to to write with - and then putting up some of those words with one of those songs for you all to listen to.

I like that what isn't said makes up a lot of the story, you see here is a person being powerful and powerless and I like that heart.

I like that your words are so dense like a sonnet and subtle and full of interrelated things. It's what can be changed and what can't, it's what's said and isn't said that makes the state.

To write at a state is powerful.

Do you need the wind and the tiptoe deal at the close?

For me, in this poem, the cold is that state of reliance.
.... 'I just prayed to a God that I don't believe in.'

that kind of state, where you don't get an answer back.

Anyway, I do like your writing.
| Posted on 2012-08-03 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
feeling cold after i let you go..or because of feeling cold i let you go..

either way the warm breeze is gone...maybe it was already gone..

but i am shivering...you make me need a sweater.

jacob
| Posted on 2012-07-30 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

195628

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.