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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Our lives are not our owndots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: disturbedx1000
    ASL Info:    28/m/ny
    Elite Ratio:    3.67 - 204/326/124
    Words: 184
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 473
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1191



    Description:
       just a simple poem about how everything has a action an reaction, how what you do may effect somethings a little an others in a huge way, even if you don't realize it, it still happens.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOur lives are not our owndots
    -------------------------------------------


    Our lives are not our own...

    Each breath we take we share with billions of people an animals alike,

    Each breath we take gives life to plants to take in,

    In return they bare us many things,

    fruit, beauty, air, an enjoyment of our own lives...



    Our lives are not our own...

    Each person we meet we share some connection in some way,

    Each person we meet gives us something to learn,

    In return we give the same to them,

    hatred, love, respect, distrust, always some feelings...



    Our lives are not our own...

    Each feeling we have effects someone in our lives,

    Each feeling we have is shared in some way,

    In return we respond to others feelings,

    sadness, happiness, sorrow, pain, pleasure...



    Our lives are not our own...

    Each action we take effects someone,

    Each action we take effects the world,

    In return we should live our lives,

    For our lives are not our own...




    Submitted on 2012-07-31 15:23:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      people an animals - and

    they bare us - bear

    Very nice thoughts, thanks.
    | Posted on 2012-08-03 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an interesting piece. It kind of reminds me of an old man/woman sitting on their porch drinking sun tea while thinking about the things that young people wish to avoid. I’m not saying that you’re terribly old, only that this poem shows an old soul inside.

    A lot of people say things along these lines. Hind sight being 20/20, you really can’t blame them. (Sorry if my comment is a bit askew my electrical impulses in my brain are starting to short out :D) I do have to admire the simplistic way you’ve portrayed this. The last line seemed to synch it all together beautifully. On the constructive side I really don’t have much to offer so I hope this does the job :) Mostly I’d rather share thoughts than critiques though on I do have my days where I force myself to think critically instead of just digesting what is on the surface (Digesting? :S).

    Okay, okay you’ve totally twisted my arm (remember electrical impulses failing lol). I guess if I would look at this poem critically I would have to point out this to you.

    “Our lives are not our own...

    Each feeling we have effects someone in our lives,

    Each feeling we have is shared in some way,

    In return we respond to others feelings,

    sadness, happiness, sorrow, pain, pleasure...”
    I think your over use of “feeling” takes a bit away from your poem. Here are some bits you could use, but still keep the same uhm meaning.

    “action, affection, appreciation, ardor, behavior, capacity, compassion, concern, cultivation, culture, delicacy, discernment, discrimination, emotion, empathy, faculty, fervor, fondness, heat, imagination, impression, intelligence, intensity, intuition, judgment, keenness, palpability, passion, pathos, pity, reaction, refinement, sensibility, sensitivity, sentiment, sentimentality, sharpness, spirit, sympathy, tangibility, taste, tenderness, understanding, warmth”

    I cannot claim that those are all my thoughts; I got that from an online thesaurus. Either way I like the message that you’re portraying here :)

    Ms. Tint
    | Posted on 2012-07-31 00:00:00 | by ARoseyTint | [ Reply to This ]


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    195631

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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