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    dots Submission Name: Perfectiondots

    Author: Black Angel
    ASL Info:    22/F/Tx
    Elite Ratio:    2 - 16/96/96
    Words: 51
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 474
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 333

       So my boyfriend asked me to write a poem about us laying in bed together. I haven't really written in a while, and I'm not too good with expressing feelings so this is a rough draft. I would enjoy some pointers and the such. I haven't decided if I want to keep it short, or work on it to make it longer.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    The moment is slowed perfection
    The rhythm of heartbeats create a song in the silence
    Soft breath trickling down spines causing light shivers of enjoyment
    Tangled in your warm embrace safety befalls my soul
    So peacefully I drift away in your arms
    In hopes time is stopped in this perfection

    Submitted on 2012-08-19 03:07:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      its ok but it can be a lot better

    'Soft breath trickling down spines causing light shivers of enjoyment'
    --I think you should rewrite this line..make it brief but still portray the same idea..maybe change it to 'sweet shivers from your soft breaths' or something like that

    'So peacefully I drift away in your arms
    In hopes time is stopped in this perfection'
    --here, you could take out the 'so' and 'away'..and maybe you could change the last line into, 'In hope that time stops in this perfection'

    these are just opinions of mine...
    | Posted on 2012-08-28 00:00:00 | by irrelevantme | [ Reply to This ]

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