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Perfection


Author: Black Angel
ASL Info:    22/F/Tx
Elite Ratio:    2 - 16 /96 /96
Words: 51
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 693
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 333



Description:


So my boyfriend asked me to write a poem about us laying in bed together. I haven't really written in a while, and I'm not too good with expressing feelings so this is a rough draft. I would enjoy some pointers and the such. I haven't decided if I want to keep it short, or work on it to make it longer.


Perfection



The moment is slowed perfection
The rhythm of heartbeats create a song in the silence
Soft breath trickling down spines causing light shivers of enjoyment
Tangled in your warm embrace safety befalls my soul
So peacefully I drift away in your arms
In hopes time is stopped in this perfection




Submitted on 2012-08-19 03:07:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  its ok but it can be a lot better

'Soft breath trickling down spines causing light shivers of enjoyment'
--I think you should rewrite this line..make it brief but still portray the same idea..maybe change it to 'sweet shivers from your soft breaths' or something like that

'So peacefully I drift away in your arms
In hopes time is stopped in this perfection'
--here, you could take out the 'so' and 'away'..and maybe you could change the last line into, 'In hope that time stops in this perfection'

these are just opinions of mine...
| Posted on 2012-08-28 00:00:00 | by irrelevantme | [ Reply to This ]


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