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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Perfectiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Black Angel
    ASL Info:    22/F/Tx
    Elite Ratio:    2 - 16/96/96
    Words: 51
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 474
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 333



    Description:
       So my boyfriend asked me to write a poem about us laying in bed together. I haven't really written in a while, and I'm not too good with expressing feelings so this is a rough draft. I would enjoy some pointers and the such. I haven't decided if I want to keep it short, or work on it to make it longer.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPerfectiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    The moment is slowed perfection
    The rhythm of heartbeats create a song in the silence
    Soft breath trickling down spines causing light shivers of enjoyment
    Tangled in your warm embrace safety befalls my soul
    So peacefully I drift away in your arms
    In hopes time is stopped in this perfection




    Submitted on 2012-08-19 03:07:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      its ok but it can be a lot better

    'Soft breath trickling down spines causing light shivers of enjoyment'
    --I think you should rewrite this line..make it brief but still portray the same idea..maybe change it to 'sweet shivers from your soft breaths' or something like that

    'So peacefully I drift away in your arms
    In hopes time is stopped in this perfection'
    --here, you could take out the 'so' and 'away'..and maybe you could change the last line into, 'In hope that time stops in this perfection'

    these are just opinions of mine...
    | Posted on 2012-08-28 00:00:00 | by irrelevantme | [ Reply to This ]


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