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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: *NameMe*dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DearlyDeparted
    Elite Ratio:    3.33 - 211/290/189
    Words: 57
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 702
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 441



    Description:
       It's been a while.. just some odd flitting thought. Enjoy


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots*NameMe*dots
    -------------------------------------------


    It's amazing;
    ...This potion.
    A complex soup of mingled emotions.

    Like a soldier;
    who's white flag has been stained with blood.
    No end in sight,
    with your surrender covered in red and mud.

    Hacking apart all rationality,
    leaving in it's wake..
    confused casualties.

    Body bags filled with hope,
    and dreams not yet dream't.




    Submitted on 2012-08-27 22:33:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      ps

    should be "in its wake" --possessive, no apostrophe...

    and "whose white flag" possessive.
    | Posted on 2012-08-28 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like the metaphor here that is sustained in the last three stanzas...

    but i feel the "soldier" idea needs to be introduced in the first stanza...that stanza doesn't read like it fits in with the rest of the piece..like you start out in one direction and then go off in another.

    i would like to see that first stanza used to create a soup metaphor piece...

    just thoughts..

    the last two lines are a kicker.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2012-08-28 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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