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    dots Submission Name: In a Traindots

    Author: Snow9
    Elite Ratio:    3 - 38/21/17
    Words: 138
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 609
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1075

       Composed, as said, in a train. But I don't fancy it as of any worth.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIn a Traindots

    Slides move by-
    Not trees, but bricks and pillars-
    The closer the faster,
    But for that within.
    I'm awkwardly conscious
    Of the cautious woman besides
    As I look outside.
    The winter rain, damping, depresses.
    Still, it draws.
    The man in front seems to posses the artist's eyes-
    The young Moral, stead-fast.

    I'm trying too hard....
    The wet glass pane, cosying up, shrinks my soul-
    But my self-reflection betrays me.

    Too much of "I"
    Reasoning, subtracting,
    Unable to move, to create.
    Something's stuck in my aeolian harp.
    Self-conscious of being self-conscious,
    The selves pile in,
    And slip away from beneath.
    But then, the glow never was there.

    The mirror cannot show you your eyes closed.

    Still feigning,
    Still talking myself into it.
    Conscious of secret lives within,
    The mind spins inside,
    Renewing more lives.

    Submitted on 2012-09-20 07:57:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      One line here in particular really stands out for me here because of its insight and authority- two things that (for me) make strong poetry. It's this one:

    The mirror can't show you your eyes closed

    This is really good in that it's simple, I mean you read it and think: hey yeah, that's true, wht didn't I think that, but at the same time it's got that hint of the profound.

    On the whole my feeling is that the poem is less shown then told, meaning the point/idea is kind of laid out flat rather then unfolded by the reader, but that could be your style or intention. I like the exploration, it's thought provoking and I recognize myself in it a bit which I like here.
    | Posted on 2012-10-14 00:00:00 | by emwren | [ Reply to This ]
      Opening image is strong, concrete.
    Final one is weaker. I'd end on a verb, and a more visual one, to balance your beginning and ending. Then eliminate any other lines that are abstact, or else firm them up with more tangible images. I also suggest switching eyes closed to closed eyes.
    Good luck with it. It's a good start.

    | Posted on 2012-10-06 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]
      This one moved me, how this was written beautifully.
    Only one suggestion break this line..
    "the mirror cannot show you,
    your eyes closed"
    And the 4th line of the first stanza a bit awkward here.
    "But or that within". I'd like to suggest but I don't know how to connect this.
    The idea and the story is great. Work on this a little bit and this will be perfect. After all we are a work in process here.
    Take care

    | Posted on 2012-10-03 00:00:00 | by jeniecel | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the details in this..it really creates a story and vivid images in the mind..for me, this was nicely done considering the situation when it was made:)
    | Posted on 2012-09-23 00:00:00 | by irrelevantme | [ Reply to This ]

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