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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: the last mistdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jeniecel
    ASL Info:    28/f/philippines
    Elite Ratio:    3.22 - 313/373/169
    Words: 16
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 644
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 108



    Description:
       I woke up from a dream of heavy rains and I just have to share this..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe last mistdots
    -------------------------------------------


    when the moss is about to drink dew
    dots spread accross the horizon
    bordering suspended tears.




    Submitted on 2012-09-23 19:14:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Before the moss receives its dew
    Dots dart along the horizon
    Attempting to cross
    The border of suspended tears
    | Posted on 2012-12-28 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]
      I use unconventional approaches to poetry, I do that for specific reasons, so if it sounds a bit rich (my suggesting certain things to do with conventionalism - just bear with me).

    If I tried to write a poem using Filipino you would notice immediately because I would fuck basic shit up.

    In a lot of your poems you fuck basic shit up.

    I don't think that makes either of us stupid. I don't think it makes me a jerk for saying so (maybe it does).

    So, I think this slight variation is more in line with what you would want to say if English was your first language:

    when the moss is about to drink dew

    or

    with the moss about to drink dew





         _____________________________________

    language is complex, and often times we aim to make it do a lot and fire on multiple points achieving multiple meanings etc etc etc when using it as poetry for the purpose of expression.

    so, i don't want to discourage you (i wouldn't have faved those two poems if i didn't think they were good - working poems) but i do want to say that sometimes your poems seem to have a lot going on and then it's confusing to wonder if particular eccentricities are due to error or a right & proper part of the poem.


    In this poem I like 'when' as a reference point.

    when: the moss about to drink dew.......


    in that way it could be like a statement of knowledge, like the narrator references the evening and then goes on to explain how the stars come out.

    in that way
    or
    anyway,

    it's quite a wonderful observation,(you've made)
    the relationship between time and air composition and temperature and light and distance and darkness and appearance & star composition. and spaces and distances from & blurry eyes.

    when you sit at something you often eventually find great wealth in the simplest of things.

    i bet you cry a lot don't you.
    | Posted on 2012-09-26 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


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