I use unconventional approaches to poetry, I do that for specific reasons, so if it sounds a bit rich (my suggesting certain things to do with conventionalism - just bear with me).
If I tried to write a poem using Filipino you would notice immediately because I would fuck basic shit up.
In a lot of your poems you fuck basic shit up.
I don't think that makes either of us stupid. I don't think it makes me a jerk for saying so (maybe it does).
So, I think this slight variation is more in line with what you would want to say if English was your first language:
when the moss is about to drink dew
with the moss about to drink dew
language is complex, and often times we aim to make it do a lot and fire on multiple points achieving multiple meanings etc etc etc when using it as poetry for the purpose of expression.
so, i don't want to discourage you (i wouldn't have faved those two poems if i didn't think they were good - working poems) but i do want to say that sometimes your poems seem to have a lot going on and then it's confusing to wonder if particular eccentricities are due to error or a right & proper part of the poem.
In this poem I like 'when' as a reference point.
when: the moss about to drink dew.......
in that way it could be like a statement of knowledge, like the narrator references the evening and then goes on to explain how the stars come out.
in that way
it's quite a wonderful observation,(you've made)
the relationship between time and air composition and temperature and light and distance and darkness and appearance & star composition. and spaces and distances from & blurry eyes.
when you sit at something you often eventually find great wealth in the simplest of things.