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Beneath Screaming Stars

Author: Rhythmal
Elite Ratio:    2.4 - 29 /50 /47
Words: 118
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1615
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 941


Just something I've been working on recently. I'm not quite sure if it's finished yet. I'm probably going to do some edits eventually, but as it is, let me know what you think.

Beneath Screaming Stars

Beneath screaming stars
and the whispering wind

She will come, in gilded
moonlight, with a bouquet of
thunderous dreams, and we
will stand beneath the stars
as they gaze down upon
our broken beauty.

Women and children,
beggars and kings,
clothed in crimson,
twisted vines of iron
woven into scarves
and crowns.

The end will come,
and the common man
will stand beneath the stars,
beside soldiers and whores;
they won't know the difference.

The silver dusk shall turn
as the reaching darkness
creeps, ever onward.

Our battle cry will be a chanted whisper,
the shadow of a song,
the screaming of her tears in the night.

Submitted on 2012-10-02 21:01:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  definitely drop the last line like what paradox said. this is really nice just edit a bit. it was already pointed out but do what you think will work best. I just want you to know I really like this one.
| Posted on 2012-10-07 00:00:00 | by jeniecel | [ Reply to This ]
  Hm... I like this. Maybe try to lose some of the cliché images and words. Definitely lose the word crimson. I totally hate it, I think it sticks out and ruins any line it is in. I like these lines best:

The end will come,
and the common man
will stand beneath the stars,
beside soldiers and whores;
they won't know the difference.

The last line should be changed or dropped entirely, it is not really needed...

You got something here, with some polish it could turn out to be a really good poem.

| Posted on 2012-10-03 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]

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