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Roleplay | Viral news today | Music Theory

Beneath Screaming Stars

Author:	Rhythmal
Elite Ratio:	2.4 - 29 /50 /47
Words:	118

Class/Type:	Poetry /Misc
Total Views:	1615
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	941

Description:

Just something I've been working on recently. I'm not quite sure if it's finished yet. I'm probably going to do some edits eventually, but as it is, let me know what you think.

Beneath Screaming Stars

Beneath screaming stars

and the whispering wind



She will come, in gilded

moonlight, with a bouquet of

thunderous dreams, and we

will stand beneath the stars

as they gaze down upon

our broken beauty.





Women and children,

beggars and kings,

All

clothed in crimson,

twisted vines of iron

woven into scarves

and crowns.





The end will come,

and the common man

will stand beneath the stars,

beside soldiers and whores;

they won't know the difference.





The silver dusk shall turn

as the reaching darkness

creeps, ever onward.



Our battle cry will be a chanted whisper,

the shadow of a song,

the screaming of her tears in the night.

Submitted on 2012-10-02 21:01:57 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments

definitely drop the last line like what paradox said. this is really nice just edit a bit. it was already pointed out but do what you think will work best. I just want you to know I really like this one.

| Posted on 2012-10-07 00:00:00 | by jeniecel | [ Reply to This ]

Hm... I like this. Maybe try to lose some of the cliché images and words. Definitely lose the word crimson. I totally hate it, I think it sticks out and ruins any line it is in. I like these lines best:

The end will come,
and the common man
will stand beneath the stars,
beside soldiers and whores;
they won't know the difference.

The last line should be changed or dropped entirely, it is not really needed...

You got something here, with some polish it could turn out to be a really good poem.

| Posted on 2012-10-03 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]

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Beneath Screaming Stars

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Beneath Screaming Stars

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