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Beneath screaming stars
| definitely drop the last line like what paradox said. this is really nice just edit a bit. it was already pointed out but do what you think will work best. I just want you to know I really like this one.||| Posted on 2012-10-07 00:00:00 | by jeniecel | [ Reply to This ] || Hm... I like this. Maybe try to lose some of the cliché images and words. Definitely lose the word crimson. I totally hate it, I think it sticks out and ruins any line it is in. I like these lines best: |
The end will come,
and the common man
will stand beneath the stars,
beside soldiers and whores;
they won't know the difference.
The last line should be changed or dropped entirely, it is not really needed...
You got something here, with some polish it could turn out to be a really good poem.
|| Posted on 2012-10-03 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ] |