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    dots Submission Name: Beneath Screaming Starsdots

    Author: Rhythmal
    Elite Ratio:    2.41 - 29/50/46
    Words: 118
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 706
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 941

       Just something I've been working on recently. I'm not quite sure if it's finished yet. I'm probably going to do some edits eventually, but as it is, let me know what you think.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBeneath Screaming Starsdots

    Beneath screaming stars
    and the whispering wind

    She will come, in gilded
    moonlight, with a bouquet of
    thunderous dreams, and we
    will stand beneath the stars
    as they gaze down upon
    our broken beauty.

    Women and children,
    beggars and kings,
    clothed in crimson,
    twisted vines of iron
    woven into scarves
    and crowns.

    The end will come,
    and the common man
    will stand beneath the stars,
    beside soldiers and whores;
    they won't know the difference.

    The silver dusk shall turn
    as the reaching darkness
    creeps, ever onward.

    Our battle cry will be a chanted whisper,
    the shadow of a song,
    the screaming of her tears in the night.

    Submitted on 2012-10-02 21:01:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      definitely drop the last line like what paradox said. this is really nice just edit a bit. it was already pointed out but do what you think will work best. I just want you to know I really like this one.
    | Posted on 2012-10-07 00:00:00 | by jeniecel | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm... I like this. Maybe try to lose some of the cliché images and words. Definitely lose the word crimson. I totally hate it, I think it sticks out and ruins any line it is in. I like these lines best:

    The end will come,
    and the common man
    will stand beneath the stars,
    beside soldiers and whores;
    they won't know the difference.

    The last line should be changed or dropped entirely, it is not really needed...

    You got something here, with some polish it could turn out to be a really good poem.

    | Posted on 2012-10-03 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]

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