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    dots Submission Name: the little miles (revision 3)dots

    Author: annie0888
    ASL Info:    49/f/LA
    Elite Ratio:    4.76 - 327/382/120
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 584
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 772


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe little miles (revision 3)dots

    Each morning fresh road stretches
    before me. Inever make good time.
    All day long it falls behind me
    in bent andbroken pieces of light.

    Small duties advance incrementally -
    a mile for milk, another for the bank,
    two for the doctor -a million little miles
    click past with a slight miscalculation in

    trajectory: a quarter rolls beneath the sofa
    untracked; a hand slips quietly from a hand.
    A mile for the cold blanket, another one
    for the sleepless pillow, two for the empty bed.

    We went to the ocean. I played in the water,
    wrestled the pulling tide just to stay
    upright. I looked back toward the beach,
    and found our umbrella nowhere.

    Submitted on 2012-10-06 09:17:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I guess I like this very much. I have been wanting to write something like this or something along these lines. Much easier that you have done it.
    | Posted on 2012-10-14 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      And every course correction
    each slight misdirection
    from the linearity of A to B

    becomes its own direction
    its own discreet defection
    from the "never was" to "what may be"
    | Posted on 2012-10-06 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      This is good. Especially this line: "All day long it falls behind me in bent and broken pieces of light." I understand it as a description of how we forget things how they slowly vanish into oblivion.
    | Posted on 2012-10-06 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this but find it a bit disjointed for two reasons...

    the last line is very cool, but i don't find a reference to it earlier in the piece---some allusion to the rain or some such.

    and the second stanza really caught my attention except the word "everything," which is so non-descript, really felt a bit like an eyesore...

    wanted a different word there, not sure what.

    but the concept i really like...and like the previous comment...tight piece...

    just even a one word allusion in the first stanza to give us a link to the last line would work really well..

    but i am just one reader and those are just thoughts.

    | Posted on 2012-10-06 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      Liked the idea. Economically expressed, and could relate to it.
    | Posted on 2012-10-06 00:00:00 | by Snow9 | [ Reply to This ]

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