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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: sea dreamdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jeniecel
    ASL Info:    28/f/philippines
    Elite Ratio:    3.22 - 313/373/169
    Words: 123
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1075
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 787



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotssea dreamdots
    -------------------------------------------



    A lady lost in billowing beach,
    where vicious waves suspend her feet.
    Stars, moonlit rinsed sand,
    where men toss beer cans, they freak out
    on Fridays.
    No one saw me.
    I was not meant to be found, here,
    where loopholes have been sewn to perfect lives.
    The sky is dark, devoured in stained glass.
    I was too late.
    Everything's settled, none is yet to become.
    The wind is cold as my lover.
    I want to keep on walking to the edge,
    sea and highway, side by side.
    Perhaps, drown and resurface,
    only with barren skin,
    seeing waves crashing the shore
    like promises.
    Like the time we both slip into froth,
    of a heedless sea.






    Submitted on 2012-10-08 02:23:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      A poem is a condensed form of verbal art. Think of it as an icon or piece of Faberge jewellery. Because your canvas is so small, you cannot afford to waste any of it with useless or inappropriate words. Every single word in a poem should have earned its place because it means exactly what you want to say and because it sounds exactly right in the context of the other words that surround it. When ou write a poem, you are not under pressure of time to get it right. You can revise and re-revise as much as you want. Essentially if you have what you consider to be a jewel of thought (and such a jewel of thought should be at the heart of every poem) then you must also feel that your jewel deserves the perfect setting. This is where your choice of words comes in.

    Now, let's take a close look at your poem:

    A lady lost in billowing beach,

    You are using alliteration here which is a good technique to try, but good alliteration is apposite alliteration, which means that before the words sound similar, they must first and foremost make good sense.
    Lost lady is fine, but billowing beach is not. Billowing goes with waves and not with beach. Your in rather than on suggests that you wanted to write "in the billowing waves" rather than "on the something beach". So you revise this line either by considering that lost lady is enough alliteration and change the line to "A lady lost in billowing waves" or you find some apposite alliteration such as " A lady lost on sand-blown strand".

    where vicious waves suspend her feet.

    This line has actually the same metre or rhythm as our first line which is good (more on that later), but that "vicious" is odd. As her feet are suspended we can assume that you actually did want her to be in the sea and not on the beach, but why would waves be vicious. The whole concept of a wave is that it is rounded and rolling, heaving and swelling. A wave can be powerful yet still with generous curves. That vicious is a word that both means and sounds small and nasty. Perhaps you intended viscous which is a different word entirely suggesting thick, oily water which could well suspend you. If however you chose to use "waves" in your first line, then you shouldn't repeat it in the next line, but find a synonym. However what does "suspend her feet" actually mean? "knock off her feet" perhaps. The whole line is awkward and you need to rethink it. So now we might finish up with something like:

    A lady lost in billowing waves,
    Flounders in the waters deep.

    Stars, moonlit rinsed sand,

    This is okay, but the rhythm needs adjusting. Note the affect of a couple of extra little filling words:
    Stars and moonlight rinse the sand.

    where men toss beer cans, they freak out
    on Fridays.

    What happened here? You were just talking about an evocative sea scene when suddenly you have these discordant statements. "Men freaking out on Fridays" might alliterate, but what is the reason for it being here? What is more, there is no rhythm here at all. This line sounds awful and has no justification to be in your poem at all, so simply eliminate it.

    No one saw me.
    I was not meant to be found, here,

    Now your poem is on track again, but you need to tidy up your rhythm a bit, perhaps:
    No one saw me flounder there;
    Destined never to be found where

    "flounder there" lengthens your line and echoes the sound of your "found where" in the next line. I like the way ou have run on the lines here.


    where loopholes have been sewn to perfect lives.
    The sky is dark, devoured in stained glass.

    I don't quite know what you mean here, but I like it. Look and listen carefully to your words again and just give them a little tweak here and there. Try altering the word order and maybe swap a word to get more apposite alliteration in, such as:

    loopholes are laced to perfect lives
    and the dark sky devoured in stained glass.

    I was too late.
    Everything's settled, none is yet to become.

    These two lines need reworking. "None" oddly enough behaves grammatically like a plural noun and so "none is yet to become" ought to be "none are yet to become". These two lines are way too cryptic and my advice would be to leave them out entirely.

    The wind is cold as my lover.
    I want to keep on walking to the edge,
    sea and highway, side by side.
    Perhaps, drown and resurface,
    only with barren skin,
    seeing waves crashing the shore
    like promises.
    Like the time we both slip into froth,
    of a heedless sea.

    All of the above lines are easy to understand and are congruent, recapitulating both the mood and actions of the beginning of our poem. They need very little attention to make them worthy of your finished poem. Might I suggest:

    The wind blows cold as my lover
    as I walk the tide marked edge.
    Perhaps I shall drown and resurface,
    and watch the waves crash on the shore
    with a wind blown spray of broken promises.
    It is the time we both slipped into the froth
    of the billowing, heedless sea.

    So, now after lots of revision, changing word order, omitting whole lines, choosing different words, etc. we have a much better poem. I have tried to show you my thought processes, but it is just such thought processes that you must have yourself. You should be the harshest critic of your own poetry an d never satisfied until you have got it just right.


    A Sea Dream

    A lady lost in billowing waves,
    Flounders in the waters deep.
    Stars and moonlight rinse the sand.
    No one saw me flounder there;
    Destined never to be found where
    loopholes are laced to perfect lives
    and the dark sky devoured in stained glass.
    The wind blows cold as my lover
    as I walk the tide marked edge.
    Perhaps I shall drown and resurface,
    and watch the waves crash on the shore
    with a wind blown spray of broken promises.
    It is the time we both slipped into the froth
    of the billowing, heedless sea.




    | Posted on 2012-10-18 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      nice description in this but some lines need smoothing out.

    maybe this:

    "where vicious waves suspend her feet"

    "where loopholes have been sewn to perfect lives"
    "the sky is dark, devoured in stained glass"

    but some intensity with this piece...

    "Cast your fate to the wind" kind of thing.
    | Posted on 2012-10-08 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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