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    dots Submission Name: Still There dots

    Author: unwantedlove20
    Elite Ratio:    4.39 - 16/12/11
    Words: 245
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1114
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1332


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStill There dots

    Sleeping for months now ,
    So long that I thought it was gone .
    I knew it was there , and I tried so hard to keep it under control .
    I was doing so well , but I could feel it .
    It was moving around , it was getting bigger .
    It was already big enough , it hurt to feel it grow .
    I felt it move all over me , starting to awake .
    With every memory of you ,
    Of us ,
    Painfully flashing through my head ,
    Almost to fast to even acknowledge I had thought of it ,
    Feeding it ,
    Allowing it to grow .
    I had to stop it ,
    I can't go through this again .
    But I can't hold it back .
    Every time you smiled .
    The times you said you loved me ,
    Hugging me from the back and twirling me ,
    The feeling of your soft lips brushing mine ,
    Our bodies pressed together .
    I was hurting myself ,
    Feeding it willingly .
    I haven't seen you in months ,
    But the memory of US was crystal clear .
    It was beautiful .
    It was killing me .
    It awoke with a fierce rapidness the second you spoke to me .
    It doesn't surprise me though .
    Because I already know ,
    That the love I've had for your for nine years ,
    Is still there ..

    Submitted on 2012-10-11 22:01:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This poem has a lot of potential. For who hasn’t been through heart break? It is easy to find a common thread with this piece, yet it lacks a bit of polish. Your use of “it” seems to become repetitive halfway through; I understand that you use it to lead to the “big finish”, yet it detracts from what it could be.

    Near the end you had an easily fixed error

    “That the love I've had for (your) for nine years” it should be “That the love I’ve had for you for nine years”.

    The message is clear, cause in all honesty who can write about something that is felt through your bones with a poetic certainty? I know that when I’m gripped with some powerful emotion that I cannot get my swirling thoughts in order enough to write it. I believe if you took some times and reordered your poem around that it could be brilliant.

    Ms. Tint
    | Posted on 2012-10-26 00:00:00 | by ARoseyTint | [ Reply to This ]

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