Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Nanny poem 1


Author: blackdemigod13
Elite Ratio:    1.52 - 56 /60 /41
Words: 53
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1521
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 320



Description:




Nanny poem 1



I've never seen you this bad
I don't know how to make you better
All of this makes me sad
You've always been there since I've been around
We were very close and always played on the ground
I love you with all my heart
That's why I wrote you this letter




Submitted on 2012-10-13 15:36:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  I can feel a strong emotion coming from this for the most part.

In my opinion though I really do think the fifth line could do with a little revising.
To me it doesn't fit with the flow, breaking the mood somewhat, also it seems like it was only placed there to rhyme with the line before.

This would be so much better without it.
| Posted on 2012-10-29 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]
  Very personal it seems to me. I am not sure that I understand the relationship. The elderly part of me wishes for punctuation. I believe that it would give emphasis.
| Posted on 2012-10-14 00:00:00 | by nursekiller | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



196231