frozen
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Description:
frozen
i can see my breath the chill of the breeze like ice on my face clouds glide slowly revealing the stars they dance in the black sky temperature drops toes start to numb as mind drifts and i become lost lost in this moment when i realize im alone the cold becomes my prison without you i can't find home spinning circles as i stand still in the dark life rushing past frozen i remain lost in these nights i can not escape you can free me but your to far away change creeps slowly i try to run away my heart rate slows as i take a deep breath my lungs freeze over but then i see your face the sun quickly rises and melts away my pain your lips touch mine and im suddenly in a different day the time passes so quickly now and this house becomes a home october comes and goes quicker then i can blink Novermeber has arrived and its time for you to leave the chill of the night returns yet again my life begins to slow as my chest sinks in my heart is frozen and empty the cold becomes my prison again im locked in this place until you return but here i will wait i know may will come when you will save me again |
Submitted on 2012-10-16 15:11:40 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| I find this poem very interesting but I find your lack of connective words breaks the mood somewhat. For example "temperature drops toes start to numb as mind drifts and i become lost" to me sounds disjointed and as if it is trying to be too dramatic. I think the line would not be ruined and fair better as "The temperature drops toes start to numb as my mind drifts and I become lost" The only other thing is.... The lack of grammar really puts me off reading this. Do a quick grammar and spell check and think of what I said about the connective wording and this could be great. Thanks for posting LCL | Posted on 2012-10-19 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ] | |
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