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frozen


Author: joezwells
Elite Ratio:    3.79 - 64 /79 /55
Words: 236
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1044
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1403



Description:




frozen



i can see my breath
the chill of the breeze like ice on my face
clouds glide slowly revealing the stars
they dance in the black sky
temperature drops
toes start to numb as mind drifts and i become lost

lost in this moment when i realize im alone
the cold becomes my prison
without you i can't find home
spinning circles as i stand still in the dark

life rushing past
frozen i remain
lost in these nights i can not escape

you can free me
but your to far away
change creeps slowly
i try to run away

my heart rate slows as i take a deep breath
my lungs freeze over
but then i see your face

the sun quickly rises and melts away my pain
your lips touch mine and im suddenly in a different day

the time passes so quickly now
and this house becomes a home
october comes and goes quicker then i can blink
Novermeber has arrived and its time for you to leave

the chill of the night returns yet again
my life begins to slow as my chest sinks in
my heart is frozen and empty
the cold becomes my prison again

im locked in this place until you return
but here i will wait
i know may will come when you will save me again




Submitted on 2012-10-16 15:11:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I find this poem very interesting but I find your lack of connective words breaks the mood somewhat.
For example
"temperature drops
toes start to numb as mind drifts and i become lost"

to me sounds disjointed and as if it is trying to be too dramatic.

I think the line would not be ruined and fair better as
"The temperature drops
toes start to numb as my mind drifts and I become lost"

The only other thing is....
The lack of grammar really puts me off reading this.
Do a quick grammar and spell check and think of what I said about the connective wording and this could be great.


Thanks for posting
LCL
| Posted on 2012-10-19 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]


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