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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: New Eyesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 118
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 411
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 720



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNew Eyesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    When butterflies make the sky roar
    and your world is balanced on its thinner edge,
    you know that trouble has come to haunt
    Because something you said
    has turned her eyes red.
    And if the other half of your spirit
    uses those eyes to say "OK buddy you're dead."
    Well
    we have traveled together until time compressed
    our path into a shooting star. But no matter how
    far we fly I dread that look in her eye. It is true
    I am bewitched trained to a fingers twitch.
    I only hope if I buy her new shoes
    The flare will fade from her eyes
    and she will notice mine are still blue.








    Submitted on 2012-10-17 23:35:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Really GREAT first two lines, and the rest of this does not disappoint either.

    This is another strong write from you, and I'm not just fluffing this review for points.

    I like that I'm not sure whether "my eyes are still blue" means you are sad and she needs to make it up to you (after you get her the new shoes of course, hmmm that red is really a nice shade, I wonder if I could navigate in them....) or if it's the blue of "true blue". Probably a little of both but mostly the latter.
    Anyways, a whole lot to enjoy in this one, light but serious at the same time and that's hard to pull off.
    ~C
    | Posted on 2012-10-22 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]
      In this piece I find myself impressed and somewhat enamoured with your rhymes.
    I can't explain why but I keep going back and reading them off to myself.
    "Because something you said
    has turned her eyes red."

    "I am bewitched trained to a fingers twitch."

    I love these

    It makes this a work that will stay with me for a long time.

    May I just point out that I believe you should have written “OK buddy you're dead?”
    unless I'm reading this completely wrong.

    Thanks for posting


    LCL


    | Posted on 2012-10-19 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]
      "I only hope if I buy her new stilettos
    The flare will fade from her eyes
    and she will notice mine are still blue".

    I love the picture;-)



    | Posted on 2012-10-18 00:00:00 | by jeniecel | [ Reply to This ]


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