This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17. It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different. All content will be deleted. Backup anything important. --- Staff
I tried to find you everywhere.
You weren't in the pills.
You must have left the camera lens
before I took the stills.
A chalk outline and neon sign
define what makes me ill.
I searched the bottles thoroughly,
less hope with each refill.
Smothering air fogs city streets,
deserted to instill
a forlorn sense of no defense
when plummeting downhill.
I checked every cheap hotel room
for your life in their eyes,
but all I found were blacklight stains
and echos of ghost sighs.
And underneath the sheets reveal
which vows I must revise.
I've felt your shadow follow me
for years despite the highs.
You're still reflected in the binge
of my obsessive lies.
ingested by the flies.
I even swallowed endless loss
to erase desire.
Fucked violently by useless thoughts,
I'll feign what's required.
You haunt my screams, sad as it seems,
every breath is dire.
I hate the sins you've left me with,
faults I once admired.
You weren't in the soulless love
that aimed and misfired.
Devoted to a shaded view..
I wish I were rewired.
| I'm a little torn as to whether the recurrent use of "I" is distracting or actually supports in a way the topic/theme since it is quite personal in telling. I'm leaning towards supports. The "F" bomb did stand out a little. Worth the reading.|
|| Posted on 2012-10-20 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ] || First I'd like to suggest 2 tiny changes that I believe would help the flow of your poem.|
"You weren't in the soulless love
that aimed and misfired."
I think if you added a couple of syllables here it may improve the work a little.
"You were not in the soulless love
that aimed and then misfired."
also I found the word Fuck to detract from the poem instead of enhancing it.
Everything else seems subdued and then to add a volatile word.... I just think it sounded wrong.
That is my opinion when reading so feel free to ignore it.
The rest of the piece is nice I do like writing with plenty of rhyming and a good rhythm.
Thanks for sharing
|| Posted on 2012-10-19 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ] || i have felt this...i have seen or felt or touched my first ex...for 20 years..the haunting, the disabling feeling of not being able to love someone else...to keep seeing, hearing , feeling the reminders...|
i think this piece is well-phrased...it's what we know, yet somewhat fresh in how it is put together so that it feels like reading something new.
interesting when you think about it...we really all have the same words to use...
just have to find different ways to put them together...
you have done that nicely here.
and i can even read this with not feeling the ping...i am past that after all these years, and it is a good feeling.
|| Posted on 2012-10-19 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ] |