I tried to find you everywhere.
You weren't in the pills.
You must have left the camera lens
before I took the stills.
A chalk outline and neon sign
define what makes me ill.
I searched the bottles thoroughly,
less hope with each refill.
Smothering air fogs city streets,
deserted to instill
a forlorn sense of no defense
when plummeting downhill.
I checked every cheap hotel room
for your life in their eyes,
but all I found were blacklight stains
and echos of ghost sighs.
And underneath the sheets reveal
which vows I must revise.
I've felt your shadow follow me
for years despite the highs.
You're still reflected in the binge
of my obsessive lies.
ingested by the flies.
I even swallowed endless loss
to erase desire.
Fucked violently by useless thoughts,
I'll feign what's required.
You haunt my screams, sad as it seems,
every breath is dire.
I hate the sins you've left me with,
faults I once admired.
You weren't in the soulless love
that aimed and misfired.
Devoted to a shaded view..
I wish I were rewired.