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    dots Submission Name: Waiting On the Moondots

    Author: MmR
    Elite Ratio:    5.45 - 468/442/138
    Words: 44
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 715
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 347


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    dotsWaiting On the Moondots

    And even as I proclaim

    I'm Done With You!!

    I already know that tonight
    I'll wait for you to show up at my window
    And love you as I always do..

    With lonesome dedication.

    Submitted on 2012-10-19 15:54:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the way you worked with spaces here, you maybe could use punctuation a little er wiser, since a full stop makes the wait seem even longer. If thats what you were trying to say.
    I kinda like starting a poem with "And...", but I learned somewhere not to do it. Forgot why. Of course it sounds like you're giving us just a glimpse (in this case, the last few words) of a train of thought, which makes one wonder, what was there before, but you know that there have been thoughts prior to this one, about the same topic.
    What I miss abot this poem is that it's such a clear sound. Of course its a conclusion, suggested by "And" and the long spaces. But noone thinks that clearly to me, no one uses non-ambivalent words saying or thinking anything.
    But thats the only weakness I can find: that there's just nothing more to is than the feeling you express so obviously in this poem. Nothing that makes me think about it when the lights are out.
    Apart from that: Yeh, solid piece. Most words are well picked, woulda gone for "desolate dedication" but I'm a creep for alliterations, but "lonesome dedication" is still so very very strong. And i like the portrayed feeling.

    Tip of the hat,
    | Posted on 2012-10-30 00:00:00 | by Jimi James | [ Reply to This ]
      i love your heart sarah. that's all.
    | Posted on 2012-10-23 00:00:00 | by cornonthekob | [ Reply to This ]
      This paints a very solid picture, quite nice.

    | Posted on 2012-10-20 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      that is a very profound line..."With lonesome dedication"

    sometimes we feel the need for a relationship...a particular relationship, even if it is bad for us...we cling to it like that is all there is...as if we could never find better---we feel so alone without the other person...but unfortunately, we feel just as alone with him or her.

    we say "I'm done with you" but yes, we know...it is just shallow words.

    | Posted on 2012-10-19 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

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