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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Smoke and Shadowdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 83
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 548
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 525



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSmoke and Shadowdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I am as I wait, while
    The hour grows late
    as such hours do.
    I forget our song
    its just been too long,

    Since we were both here.
    Where are you tonight my love?
    I forgot have we met?
    Have I ever gazed into your eyes?

    Once out of mind once out of step
    The golden dream shimmers
    fades to black.

    Yet sometimes just around the corner
    I catch the faintest whisper.
    "I am not a dream."





    Submitted on 2012-10-21 00:23:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Ok on rerereading just one too many commas, or rather it's in the wrong place, Take the comma after 'long' and put it after 'forget' and it's perfect.
    | Posted on 2012-10-22 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]
      There is a problem however with too many commas that disrupt the flow, you are quite too comma-happy and I know I've mentioned that before ;)
    | Posted on 2012-10-22 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]
      This one really works because it captures an intangible yearning that all can relate to while in search of 'the other' although N has become faded and worn over the years there is still hope.
    | Posted on 2012-10-22 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]
      He is the thought,
    which stood by my shadow,
    or
    He is the word,
    at the tip of my finger,
    making smoke tangible
    only to me.

    either way this poem works for me although I felt a little sadness in here.
    | Posted on 2012-10-21 00:00:00 | by jeniecel | [ Reply to This ]
      A vision, perhaps?

    as solid as shadow
    inerrant as glass
    whose perfect patinas
    will soon come to pass...

    Just some thoughts that responded to your thoughts...
    | Posted on 2012-10-21 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


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