A clever constellation,
hid within patches of white
mirages that shroud the eyes,
filled the essence of a mind
Envelop me, oh twinkling stars,
oh these bewitched scars;
the wishes that catch your fall
by hopeful eyes and innocent soul
Tinctures of a once-true-love
left by broken vow’s & bleeding heart’s;
the points that could not connect
opportuned rebirth of love’s regret
Foreseeing a hoity-toity fantasy
ending my shattered melody,
repose of the soul’s light,
wagering dreams in a life of moonless night
| Sad beautiful and sad, here you sweep me along into teary eyed Misery. I hate when fantasy never come true life is just not fair!||| Posted on 2012-10-31 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ] || I can't follow the story, can't see what that fine figurative language refers to - except for the occasional occurrence of the word "love", and the un-assigned but vivid night sky sustained metaphor.|
Other folk might get it: I am always a little obtuse
with verse which is a little obscure! Not everybody is writing for my convenience as an inexpert reader!
Here's a worthwhile comment: "... vow's & bleeding heart's" gave me a grammatical puzzle which I reckon would be distracting in any poem, even one easy enough for me. It's clever I guess; but distractions are maybe not so clever?
I so like the rhyme-scheme, whether it is deliberate or not. That is wonderfully subtle to the ear and unforced. You just have an understanding and loving feeling for verse, so that I enjoyed reading these stanzas just for their sound and the speech-rhythm of somehow incomplete sentences.
I shouldn't mention the punctuation, since I don't understand the text very well. But it looks to me as if you are both using punctuation marks and not using them. I found this system no use as a guide when I recited the poem aloud. I think normally we need to show all of the breaths and pauses, or else none of them. I suspect that here @ES, and also in a lot of books of verse, poets have sometimes abandoned punctuation simply because that looks so cool and modern-verse. A competitive attitude!
But we are really here to beat the language game - not the other players!
In English, hey it is not so hard: we have only one thousand years' worth of poetry to check out. There was no English before that.
Reading it one last time ... I think you are talented at composing verse. The patterning is all over, and deep. With art like this, I don't actually need to understand what you are talking about! Do you need me to get a story? Or is music-and-imagery the real communication?
|| Posted on 2012-10-22 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ] |