Battle of Sorrow

Author: irrelevantme Elite Ratio:    2.91 - 83 /89 /62 Words: 89

Class/Type: Poetry /Misc Total Views: 1340 Average Vote:    No vote yet. Bytes: 659

Description:

---

Battle of Sorrow

---

A clever constellation, hid within patches of white mirages that shroud the eyes, filled the essence of a mind Envelop me, oh twinkling stars, oh these bewitched scars; the wishes that catch your fall by hopeful eyes and innocent soul Tinctures of a once-true-love left by broken vow’s & bleeding heart’s; the points that could not connect opportuned rebirth of love’s regret Foreseeing a hoity-toity fantasy ending my shattered melody, repose of the soul’s light, wagering dreams in a life of moonless night

Submitted on 2012-10-22 11:30:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_< 2: I dunno... 3: meh! 4: Pretty cool 5: Wow!

Comments

Sad beautiful and sad, here you sweep me along into teary eyed Misery. I hate when fantasy never come true life is just not fair!

| Posted on 2012-10-31 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]

I can't follow the story, can't see what that fine figurative language refers to - except for the occasional occurrence of the word "love", and the un-assigned but vivid night sky sustained metaphor. Other folk might get it: I am always a little obtuse with verse which is a little obscure! Not everybody is writing for my convenience as an inexpert reader! Here's a worthwhile comment: "... vow's & bleeding heart's" gave me a grammatical puzzle which I reckon would be distracting in any poem, even one easy enough for me. It's clever I guess; but distractions are maybe not so clever? I so like the rhyme-scheme, whether it is deliberate or not. That is wonderfully subtle to the ear and unforced. You just have an understanding and loving feeling for verse, so that I enjoyed reading these stanzas just for their sound and the speech-rhythm of somehow incomplete sentences. I shouldn't mention the punctuation, since I don't understand the text very well. But it looks to me as if you are both using punctuation marks and not using them. I found this system no use as a guide when I recited the poem aloud. I think normally we need to show all of the breaths and pauses, or else none of them. I suspect that here @ES, and also in a lot of books of verse, poets have sometimes abandoned punctuation simply because that looks so cool and modern-verse. A competitive attitude! But we are really here to beat the language game - not the other players! In English, hey it is not so hard: we have only one thousand years' worth of poetry to check out. There was no English before that. Reading it one last time ... I think you are talented at composing verse. The patterning is all over, and deep. With art like this, I don't actually need to understand what you are talking about! Do you need me to get a story? Or is music-and-imagery the real communication?

| Posted on 2012-10-22 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest. 2. Try not to give only compliments. 3. How did it make you feel? 4. Why did it make you feel that way? 5. Which parts? 6. What distracted from the piece?

7. What was unclear? 8. What does it remind you of? 9. How could it be improved? 10. What would you have done differently? 11. What was your interpretation of it? 12. Does it feel original?

196292