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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Battle of Sorrowdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: irrelevantme
    Elite Ratio:    2.91 - 83/89/62
    Words: 89
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 668
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 651



    Description:
       tired . . .


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBattle of Sorrowdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A clever constellation,
    hid within patches of white
    mirages that shroud the eyes,
    filled the essence of a mind

    Envelop me, oh twinkling stars,
    oh these bewitched scars;
    the wishes that catch your fall
    by hopeful eyes and innocent soul

    Tinctures of a once-true-love
    left by broken vowís & bleeding heartís;
    the points that could not connect
    opportuned rebirth of loveís regret

    Foreseeing a hoity-toity fantasy
    ending my shattered melody,
    repose of the soulís light,
    wagering dreams in a life of moonless night




    Submitted on 2012-10-22 11:30:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Sad beautiful and sad, here you sweep me along into teary eyed Misery. I hate when fantasy never come true life is just not fair!
    | Posted on 2012-10-31 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]
      I can't follow the story, can't see what that fine figurative language refers to - except for the occasional occurrence of the word "love", and the un-assigned but vivid night sky sustained metaphor.

    Other folk might get it: I am always a little obtuse
    with verse which is a little obscure! Not everybody is writing for my convenience as an inexpert reader!

    Here's a worthwhile comment: "... vow's & bleeding heart's" gave me a grammatical puzzle which I reckon would be distracting in any poem, even one easy enough for me. It's clever I guess; but distractions are maybe not so clever?

    I so like the rhyme-scheme, whether it is deliberate or not. That is wonderfully subtle to the ear and unforced. You just have an understanding and loving feeling for verse, so that I enjoyed reading these stanzas just for their sound and the speech-rhythm of somehow incomplete sentences.

    I shouldn't mention the punctuation, since I don't understand the text very well. But it looks to me as if you are both using punctuation marks and not using them. I found this system no use as a guide when I recited the poem aloud. I think normally we need to show all of the breaths and pauses, or else none of them. I suspect that here @ES, and also in a lot of books of verse, poets have sometimes abandoned punctuation simply because that looks so cool and modern-verse. A competitive attitude!

    But we are really here to beat the language game - not the other players!

    In English, hey it is not so hard: we have only one thousand years' worth of poetry to check out. There was no English before that.

    Reading it one last time ... I think you are talented at composing verse. The patterning is all over, and deep. With art like this, I don't actually need to understand what you are talking about! Do you need me to get a story? Or is music-and-imagery the real communication?

    | Posted on 2012-10-22 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]


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