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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: embersdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jeniecel
    ASL Info:    28/f/philippines
    Elite Ratio:    3.22 - 313/373/169
    Words: 70
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 573
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 444



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsembersdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I once spoke of a sludge beneath our feet
    where our skin groped in eccentric ways
    to feel each other.

    Somewhere beneath the dirt and moist
    a mosaic of flowers rived from stellar words
    filthy as love gilded with hope.

    And I, elevated on wonder itself thought it was
    a burning coal inside our hearts but it was just a drizzle
    along with our muddy footprints.





    Submitted on 2012-10-27 07:30:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Broken heart, eh? Good write, I'm going to go stanza by stanza to address the emotion--but i agree with the PP, it could probably be extended. Though, in my personal opinion, rather have a short good poem than a long bad one, so I wouldn't add anything you were uncomfortable with.

    "I once spoke of a sludge beneath our feet
    where our skin groped in eccentric ways
    to feel each other."

    To be honest, this was a bit confusing for me. The first line sets the poem up in such a way that it made me think that the skin of your feet was trying to grope your lover's. Muddy footsie? But so earthen in it's beauty.

    Somewhere beneath the dirt and moist
    a mosaic of flowers rived from stellar words
    filthy as love gilded with hope.

    Did you know that moist is one of the top hated words? So, your use of this word that I've been told is such an unsophisticated word was so shockingly refreshing. And well-done on that key phrase, 'filthy as love gilded with hope', how beautifully cynical.

    And I, elevated on wonder itself thought it was
    a burning coal inside our hearts but it was just a drizzle
    along with our muddy footprints.

    Nit-pick! You didn't finish out your commas! 'And I, elevated on wonder itself,'
    But other than that a great ending stanza. The fire always goes out, always. I know that's depressing, but ces't la vie. "Just a drizzle", huh?

    Beautiful work. Sorry for the almost-incoherent ramblings.
    -Carrie.
    | Posted on 2012-10-30 00:00:00 | by Carosuel | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice words here and I thought this could be extended. I suggest another stanza before the last one just to explain why it ended so sad. It really lacks something there in the middle.

    Tom
    | Posted on 2012-10-29 00:00:00 | by quicksorrow | [ Reply to This ]


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