Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Boundaries dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 86
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 524
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2610



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots Boundaries dots
    -------------------------------------------


                             I am the Mobius man I stand
                             On the circle of your forever.
                             The sky is not as blue as my eyes
                             Nor can the space between us
                             Hold any secret that I cannot see.
                             You are a fierce whisper beneath
                             The unblinking light of Venus.
                             Your eyes contain my universe
                             And demarcate the conditions
                             Of play.
                             We are not the merging of dreams
                             Into a single point in space.
                             But separate worlds on the same
                             Journey through time.




    Submitted on 2012-10-29 00:25:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this is definitely going to my faves.
    "We are not the merging of dreams" very good line here.
    "but separate worlds..." for me this is better "distinct worlds"..
    The opening line is so strong it somewhat tells me you are together but you are who you are no matter what
    and you will stand firm to your convictions..very nice there.
    | Posted on 2012-10-30 00:00:00 | by jeniecel | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi DaleP.

    This piece of writing seemed vast, and enveloping, your words were more of a statement than an invitation or emphasis in any one direction. I thought it worked very well with the vocabulary, which is what initially caught my attention.

    Your final lines are the most intriguing, I would say, in that you redirect your reader. You maintain an identity, a separation, yet it is still a provision of your relationship, your independence is significant.

    But your 'journey' together is paramount.

    Personally, I found your writing to be a bit alternative. I still thought it was well organized and written, and I am glad I stumbled upon it.

    Thanks.

    Tony
    | Posted on 2012-10-29 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ]
      Ooh, that demarcation in the last several lines speak of things that may run parallel but never combine, unite, or collide.... At least that is how I understood it this time around.
    | Posted on 2012-10-29 00:00:00 | by CrypticBard | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    196346

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    The World written by jjd
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Hyle written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry