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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Careful Theredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: pioneerheart
    Elite Ratio:    4.51 - 204/205/140
    Words: 97
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 589
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 599



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCareful Theredots
    -------------------------------------------


    When we question the love we have
    it is the beginning of the end of that love?

    To dabble in it and not to question,
    surely sets aside of the shudder of a fear

    That fear of course, may be another reality
    The reality that one might be a fool

    Tis depicted as a care-free original
    Looking up at the sky, daring and not
    aware of the possible pitfall

    As I embark there with you
    My youth evokes mysterious wonder

    You're also a fool
    in love with me, your heart I'll plunder




    Submitted on 2012-10-31 01:04:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Plundering sounds better than breaking I guess.
    | Posted on 2012-11-03 00:00:00 | by EmptyBox | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Pioneerheart.

    Just a couple of things, before my compliments for your work. Line 2 reads: "It is the...", should it actually be written "Is it the..." ? Because it does come across as a proposition, rather than a statement.

    Line 4 reads a bit awkward. It conflicts the poetry in the rest of your work. There is no simple release.

    That being said, I believe your emphasis on both "reality" and of a "fool" complete the intended storyline. That you declare yourself a fool, susceptible to the realities of love, this gives the poetry life, and builds a foundation for your writing. All in all, I feel as though it is still a bit broken up (the way it reads through) to be a polished, finished piece. Good work, though, I think it has a great deal of potential.

    Thanks.

    Tony

    | Posted on 2012-10-31 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ]


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