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    dots Submission Name: Receive dots

    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 65
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 935
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2514


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    dotsReceive dots

                             The span of all day watching
                             denying a humming bird hunger
                             obsessed by a single bloom
                             of blue.
                             I am watching.
                             I feel your words infuse
                             butterflies with flutter
                             and convince sparrows
                             not to fly.
                             An opening spell of invitation
                             you suffuse the heat
                             that rises from beneath
                             allowing stone
                             to be molded by love.

    Submitted on 2012-11-18 06:10:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The span of all day watching,
    denying, a humming
    obsessed, by a single bloom
    of blue.
    I am watching.
    I feel your words infuse
    butterflies with flutter
    and convince sparrows
    not to fly.
    An opening spell of invitation
    you suffuse the heat
    that rises from beneath
    allowing stone
    to be molded by love.

    These were my initial natural pauses. I'm just going to keep it simple and leave this- my first (gut) reaction.
    | Posted on 2012-11-22 00:00:00 | by emwren | [ Reply to This ]
                               The span of all day watching,
                             denying, a humming bird hunger- obsessed
                          by a single bloom
                             of blue.
     I am watching.
    I feel your words infuse
                             butterflies with flutter
                             and convince sparrows
                             not to fly.
                             An opening spell of invitation,
                             you suffuse the heat
                             that rises from beneath
     allowing stone to be molded
                             by love.

    I guess this is the closest/easiest way for me to demonstrate how I'm reading and where I naturally pause and add emphasis. It's not that I think there's a right way of punctuating, or anything like that- I guess I feel that it helps direct someone how you want it to be read which is what I was meaning in the first comment.

    It's interesting- reading your response to my first comment and realizing i was reading it differently then you were. None of this is meant as criticism, just observation.

    *well no that's not how I meant for this to look on the page. I'm on my phone and can't do it right at the moment. I'll have to come back later.
    | Posted on 2012-11-22 00:00:00 | by emwren | [ Reply to This ]
      This has some really nice enjambment in places, I have a soft spot for a good enjambment so I guess that's why I point it out.

    It's also really a sweet poem, I like the comparisons to nature and the connections. It's delicate but then ends solidly with the molding of the stone. Very nice.

    I do have a question, though, on the technical side: are you opposed to using commas within the poem? Towards the beginning I found I would have liked that pause once or twice, but I know every one doesn't like using punctuation. Just throwing that out there.
    | Posted on 2012-11-21 00:00:00 | by emwren | [ Reply to This ]

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