[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Receive dots

    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 65
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 919
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2514


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsReceive dots

                             The span of all day watching
                             denying a humming bird hunger
                             obsessed by a single bloom
                             of blue.
                             I am watching.
                             I feel your words infuse
                             butterflies with flutter
                             and convince sparrows
                             not to fly.
                             An opening spell of invitation
                             you suffuse the heat
                             that rises from beneath
                             allowing stone
                             to be molded by love.

    Submitted on 2012-11-18 06:10:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      The span of all day watching,
    denying, a humming
    obsessed, by a single bloom
    of blue.
    I am watching.
    I feel your words infuse
    butterflies with flutter
    and convince sparrows
    not to fly.
    An opening spell of invitation
    you suffuse the heat
    that rises from beneath
    allowing stone
    to be molded by love.

    These were my initial natural pauses. I'm just going to keep it simple and leave this- my first (gut) reaction.
    | Posted on 2012-11-22 00:00:00 | by emwren | [ Reply to This ]
                               The span of all day watching,
                             denying, a humming bird hunger- obsessed
                          by a single bloom
                             of blue.
     I am watching.
    I feel your words infuse
                             butterflies with flutter
                             and convince sparrows
                             not to fly.
                             An opening spell of invitation,
                             you suffuse the heat
                             that rises from beneath
     allowing stone to be molded
                             by love.

    I guess this is the closest/easiest way for me to demonstrate how I'm reading and where I naturally pause and add emphasis. It's not that I think there's a right way of punctuating, or anything like that- I guess I feel that it helps direct someone how you want it to be read which is what I was meaning in the first comment.

    It's interesting- reading your response to my first comment and realizing i was reading it differently then you were. None of this is meant as criticism, just observation.

    *well no that's not how I meant for this to look on the page. I'm on my phone and can't do it right at the moment. I'll have to come back later.
    | Posted on 2012-11-22 00:00:00 | by emwren | [ Reply to This ]
      This has some really nice enjambment in places, I have a soft spot for a good enjambment so I guess that's why I point it out.

    It's also really a sweet poem, I like the comparisons to nature and the connections. It's delicate but then ends solidly with the molding of the stone. Very nice.

    I do have a question, though, on the technical side: are you opposed to using commas within the poem? Towards the beginning I found I would have liked that pause once or twice, but I know every one doesn't like using punctuation. Just throwing that out there.
    | Posted on 2012-11-21 00:00:00 | by emwren | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Estranged / Shocks written by Daniel Barlow
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Because of You written by poetotoe
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Happy Saint Patrick's Day written by poetotoe
    AI written by poetotoe
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    Before, Now, & After written by SincerWritinAsh
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    You do, I Do written by poetotoe
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]