Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Receive dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 65
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 907
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2514



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsReceive dots
    -------------------------------------------


                             The span of all day watching
                             denying a humming bird hunger
                             obsessed by a single bloom
                             of blue.
                             I am watching.
                             I feel your words infuse
                             butterflies with flutter
                             and convince sparrows
                             not to fly.
                             An opening spell of invitation
                             you suffuse the heat
                             that rises from beneath
                             allowing stone
                             to be molded by love.




    Submitted on 2012-11-18 06:10:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The span of all day watching,
    denying, a humming
    obsessed, by a single bloom
    of blue.
    I am watching.
    I feel your words infuse
    butterflies with flutter
    and convince sparrows
    not to fly.
    An opening spell of invitation
    you suffuse the heat
    that rises from beneath
    allowing stone
    to be molded by love.

    These were my initial natural pauses. I'm just going to keep it simple and leave this- my first (gut) reaction.
    | Posted on 2012-11-22 00:00:00 | by emwren | [ Reply to This ]
                               The span of all day watching,
                             denying, a humming bird hunger- obsessed
                          by a single bloom
                             of blue.
                            
     I am watching.
                             
    I feel your words infuse
                             butterflies with flutter
                             and convince sparrows
                             not to fly.
                             An opening spell of invitation,
                             you suffuse the heat
                             that rises from beneath
                            
     allowing stone to be molded
                             by love.

    I guess this is the closest/easiest way for me to demonstrate how I'm reading and where I naturally pause and add emphasis. It's not that I think there's a right way of punctuating, or anything like that- I guess I feel that it helps direct someone how you want it to be read which is what I was meaning in the first comment.

    It's interesting- reading your response to my first comment and realizing i was reading it differently then you were. None of this is meant as criticism, just observation.

    *well no that's not how I meant for this to look on the page. I'm on my phone and can't do it right at the moment. I'll have to come back later.
    | Posted on 2012-11-22 00:00:00 | by emwren | [ Reply to This ]
      This has some really nice enjambment in places, I have a soft spot for a good enjambment so I guess that's why I point it out.

    It's also really a sweet poem, I like the comparisons to nature and the connections. It's delicate but then ends solidly with the molding of the stone. Very nice.

    I do have a question, though, on the technical side: are you opposed to using commas within the poem? Towards the beginning I found I would have liked that pause once or twice, but I know every one doesn't like using punctuation. Just throwing that out there.
    | Posted on 2012-11-21 00:00:00 | by emwren | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    196478

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Records I written by Raphael
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Cover written by saartha
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    Love written by saartha
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry