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one march. reprised.

Author: isabella
Elite Ratio:    5.56 - 803 /905 /472
Words: 73
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
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something to work on. upon. or trash.

one march. reprised.

mozart, madness, and other people's words
take me away today. i light another cigarette.
find the pause i need to reflect; while donne
lies at my feet and sara teases my knee.

i think to myself:

o, my love
o, my hate
you stir me so

as i rest, against a sleepy sun.
lean against it with a closed-eye-love.

Submitted on 2012-11-28 11:50:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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"closed-eye love" is a particularly intriguing phrase to me. I think its because it can be viewed as whimsical. That close-eyed response to kissing lips or a breeze, sunshine, or trusting someone in those trust exercises where you're supposed to fall backwards and let them catch you. Sometimes closing eyes enhances an experience.

But there also strikes me as a possible other side to the coin and that is how we sometimes close our eyes to the unsatisfied things, maybe not wanting to see or admit one thing or another about love, how we love and are loved. The preceding "o, my love / o, my hate / you stir me so" is a build up to that sort of intermixed duality. Again, it's just a wonderfully intriguing phrase that I had to roll over in my mind.

& I love the playful "sara teases". It seems to me that it could have gone awry.

Hm. So I suppose my take on this was a bit more intense than others'. I think there is a deceptively lofty tone to this as well, & I actually think it works wonderfully. There's acceptance of what is beautiful in light of what is complicated & heavy. Such is the world.
| Posted on 2012-12-10 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]
  A reprise indeed,--I quite liked this piece , the first I have read here tonight that I can relate to. Mozart, Donne, Teasdale, mad March winds, the onset of Spring with those first warm rays of sun, --the combination invokes a sigh of awe---

I can feel the timelessness of the emotions that inspire all art overwhelm for a moment, giving need for "a pause --to reflect".

I liked your imagery in the closing lines--
"as i rest, against a sleepy sun.
lean against it with a closed-eye-love

It does seem in early March ,that the sun is only half awake, and reading poetry outdoors or perhaps in a cozy sunlit niche indoors, listening to Mozart, to the wind would make one bask somewhat in a contented dozy manner.

A few years back, I was in Stratford Ontario in March and early April. I would walk along the river almost daily to a small park ,(--the Shakespearean Gardens) and just sit on a bench near a Bronzed bust of the Bard himself,--watching the swans drift by. Your reprise brought back that moment to me,--the pausing to reflect, the gentle caress of the sun and all the peaceful musings whispered by the wind.
Thank you for this
| Posted on 2012-12-06 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
This starts off promising:
"mozart, madness, and other people's words" has a good flow to it, but then comes stanza no.2 with its interpunctuation, which decelerates the whole thing thus far, which is pretty rare these days, haven't seen many of those around here. And I've been here for a long ol' time.
Can't really complain about the use of small letters, maybe it's intentional, maybe not, I don't see why it would benefit the poem, but then again, you never know.
Now, here comes the part where the recipient has to realize that he/she just gets a glimpse of a persons view, because neither "donne" or "sara" are further introduced (sound like cats, tho) and you don't know what's meant by
"o, my love.
o, my hate."
Could be "donne" and "sara", could be anything else, could be the floor, could be the narrators knee.
Continuing on: on one hand, I like the alliteration "sleepy sun", there is, of course no such a thing in mythology, at least not to my knownledge. The sun's erm alertness is immanent.
On the other hand, the alliteration, a kind of pleonasm, "bearly bear", is, and this is highly subjective, horrible to my ears. I do not see the point in using so, if you wanted to (had to look this up) use a hendiadys, two words of the same meaning to emphasize the meaning as a whole, do so, but this... I don't know.
Enough with the struktural stuff, on with hermeneutics.
This has a kind of modern romantic touch to me, all this talk about love, hate, cigarettes, the pause, this picture of someone leaning "against the sun" (which I boldly take as a metaphor for just sittin' in the sunlight), reflecting, thinking of love and smoking a cigarette, probably in a crowded place, listening to soothing music, being so heavily in love (probably with the whole scenery, which would be wonderful, but I can't find anything pointing to it).
So, yeh, this is, to me at least, a picture (more of autumn than of march, but what the hell), a very romantic one.
This is somewhat of a good exercise, of course no mind blowing piece, but who writes those these days, anyway? I know I don't. But yeh, although I don't tend to read these too often, I guess this is decent, nice job.


| Posted on 2012-11-28 00:00:00 | by Jimi James | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this is lovely. I think it has a solid voice about it which makes it enjoyable to read and makes you feel like it's a snippet of a moment from someone's day- like they are basking in the sun coming in through the window and trying, maybe, to think about other things but all they can think about is the love that knocks at the heart.

I like the italicized part, but I wondered if it might make a better transition without the 'then' that begins the last stanza- somehow it feels that it would make the poem more fluid- flowing from space to space, but that may be me reading differently then you intended. Just a small thought.

Much enjoyed reading this one, it's one of those poems that cheers a reader up.

| Posted on 2012-11-28 00:00:00 | by emwren | [ Reply to This ]

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