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    dots Submission Name: Alicedots

    Author: ARoseyTint
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 24/14/5
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 820
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 488

       My first ever attempt at Rhyming. I love poems that rhyme, the things people come up with seem to astound me from time to time. I could never master it though, usually my brain shuts off after the first painful stanza. But I figured I'd dip my hand into this area. I could use a lot of helpful hints and advice though, so if you have any please feel free. My page remains an open book for your words.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I wish to be like Alice,
    falling into dreams
    of horrid things and rabbits
    full of songs.

    I wish to dance with the walking
    birds, to be swallowed by the herds
    of the pernicious swarms.

    In truth it would seem, that Alice
    was the dream. And yet I still wish
    to be such a scheme.

    I wish to be like Alice, as silly as it may
    be, to float within a sea of made up things.

    Submitted on 2012-11-28 14:03:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Good. Yes? Hrrmm. I haven't much to say, so forgive the brevity. The only thing that stands out to my novice's eye is the third stanza. The continuing rhyme there just doesn't work. It's all a-a-a-a.

    But not bad. Not bad.
    | Posted on 2012-12-29 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      this does make a whole lot of sense in reference to the character i assume this is emulating. the whole book seems like an explanation for the mind of Alice. it's almost as if you're fulfilling the want of being like alice by expressing it this way. i guess this isn't necessarily role play, but i still took it that way. anyhow my only suggestion is to continue in this direction with the rhyming. either by elaborating, or just take it to that sea of things you imagine for alice. you may at least find your own river trying to find an ocean big enough for alice. anyhow the rhyme works, it's not "metered' per say, but it can be read several ways. it's quite relatable.

    to show the rhyme just put the next one at the end like so

    I wish to be like Alice,
    falling into dreams
    of horrid things
    and rabbits full of songs.

    I wish to dance with the walking birds,
    to be swallowed by the herds
    of the pernicious swarms.

    In truth it would seem,
    that Alice was the dream.
    And yet I still wish
    to be such a scheme.

    I wish to be like Alice,
    as silly as it may be,
    to float within a sea
    of made up things.

    it's easy enough to pick up and is an excellent natural rhythm. people do this all the time on accident. but if you want actual practice, it makes it more consistent when you organize all the rhyming sequences at the end. but this can actually make things quite boxy if done in a repetitious fashion and can seriously limit things to lesser language. meaning how many rhyme sets do you know. and can you keep them within a good analogy? this as is is very nice though. just general rhyming advice.
    | Posted on 2012-12-12 00:00:00 | by Arjay | [ Reply to This ]
    I have to say I enjoyed this poem quite a bit. It's light and sweet in conjuring up the incredibly familiar Alice in Wonderland. She & the world she fell into have been inspiration for many. I particularly like the detailing of thought, how it is a bit of a daydreamer's point of view of Alice's dream, and in that way it keeps with the surreality. & of course there are so many wonderful & silly notions to conjure along the way. Yet, you didn't go overboard. I mean, you could have really gone for a whole summary of the tale which would have dragged the piece down.

    Next I have to say that I am not a poem writer that rhymes. If I do, it's quite accidental or slant at best & I think that this poem comes across that way. It has a feel for the general sounds of words & how they might bounce of each other, however the lack of rhythmical structure at first had me wondering how this was exactly a poem that rhymes.

    I'm a bit rusty. Now, I don't think the lack of structure or consistencies in rhyme means that this is not a successful poem. It absolutely is in my book, for what that's worth. & that you didn't force the rhyme into tight form allows the poem to be more whimsical. The only place where this falters & struck me as trite was the use of "scheme". I suppose it just seems too obvious a word choice for me.

    But that's me & I found the poem a delight. As I said before, I don't do rhyme. However I think if I were to get down to the business of rhyming I would try tackling some traditional forms & seeing how far I can get without wanting to tear out my hair.

    Again, enjoyed.
    | Posted on 2012-12-10 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]
      I always loved Alice in Wonderland. It is one of my favorite stories. This poem is really nice. Wistful, even, like her story.
    | Posted on 2012-12-09 00:00:00 | by EmptyBox | [ Reply to This ]
      This was great to read best one of all <3
    | Posted on 2012-12-02 00:00:00 | by lilsweetie | [ Reply to This ]

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