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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Weight Of Failed Lovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DearlyDeparted
    Elite Ratio:    3.33 - 211/290/189
    Words: 84
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 881
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 544



    Description:
       As much as I hate to think of it like that...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Weight Of Failed Lovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Each day is a lesson and I'm learning by the millisecond.
    The pain weighs on my heart like a bolder;
    one not so easily just slung over the shoulder.
    A crushing force that gets heavier with every careless word.
    It's utterly absurd..
    How it just all gets thrown away.
    Folks these days.. so quick to let things go to waste.
    Time, feelings, emotions.. things where one shouldn't make haste.
    Though I must move on;
    no matter how much my hearts wishes he wasn't gone.




    Submitted on 2012-12-07 00:16:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The words are there, yes.
    The feel, also present.
    Continuity, flow, consistency? Lacking, but that's not a huge crime.

    I liked this piece, but the middle portion seems like it was slipped in on accident.

    "Each day is a lesson and I'm learning by the millisecond.
    The pain weighs on my heart like a bolder;
    one not so easily just slung over the shoulder.
    A crushing force that gets heavier with every careless word."

    This portion was alright, though you misspelled "boulder".
    Also, was referring to your pain in a way that recalls the reader of bra-straps and pubescent humor the best way to impress upon it? Likely not. I would suggest adjusting the wording here to omit the obvious "Over the shoulder boulder holder" joke, or at least make it evident that you were trying to make fun of your own suffering intentionally, if that was your goal. As it reads now it's a bit awkward.

    "It's utterly absurd..
    How it just all gets thrown away."

    Agreed! This bit might read a little more smoothly if you swapped "all" and "just", but that may only be my preference.

    "Folks these days.. so quick to let things go to waste.
    Time, feelings, emotions.. things where one shouldn't make haste."

    What sort of things? The reader can't have much sympathy for your concept if they only have a vague impression of it? Are you implying that people cast love aside easily, and that such a person is the cause of your dismay? If so, it would require further elaboration on your part to make that connection here. Otherwise these two lines seem out of place.
    You do go on to suggest a few things easily let go, perhaps swapping the placement of these lines might better illustrate your intent?

    "Though I must move on;
    no matter how much my hearts wishes he wasn't gone."

    You added an extra "s" after "heart", but that's no biggie. These final lines are simple, and state your overall purpose. Admirably done.

    I hope this helped! Keep up the good work!

    -Keegan
    | Posted on 2012-12-09 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ]


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