Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The New Blind Kinddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Ethan Brody
    ASL Info:    35 - M - Chile
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 440/205/78
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 664
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 659



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe New Blind Kinddots
    -------------------------------------------



    THE NEW BLIND KIND

    by Ethan Brody



    Everywhere the sun strikes,
    A new blind kind can be seen
    Shambling their feet and
    Looking down ...


    Emotionless people,
    Uninterested zombies,
    Sitting somewhere
    In a different realm of existence.


    A quake can be felt,
    A truck can be heard,
    A woman drop dead.
    But they flick ... flick ...


    Loved passed by
    A new blind kind
    That pitifully prefers
    Only to see "you like this"







    Submitted on 2012-12-10 20:42:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I liked what I felt when I read this aloud and to me this is what the essence of writing, of art, is. What one feels when a piece is experienced. The picture is a great accompaniment to this piece. The pretty girl in her own world walking through the real world not noticing it. Like walking down a hall with the lights shut off. Blind to what could be discovered around her. The second stanza needs more. The zombie and emotionless people should be hashed out. What makes them so? The first stanza is my favorite because for me it is the most visual. The sun light spreading, illuminates the subjects of your piece. Their shambling feet, their looking down. Zombie like. I think the clay of this piece should be made with more stuff. I think this has a lot of potential to be great. Revise.
    | Posted on 2013-06-21 00:00:00 | by CNPerry | [ Reply to This ]
      The second stanza is good but the poem does stand without it quite self-reliantly. Upon reading the poem several times, the second stanza sounded like an editorial comment which spells out in plain language what they other stanzas are already driving at. It does not "take away" from the poem. But it does not add anything spectacular either. That being said, it is entirely up to you whether to keep it or not.
    | Posted on 2012-12-25 00:00:00 | by CrypticBard | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed this piece and the message you were trying to convey. I was expecting a bit more though. The poem seems to just stop. I feel like there is more to say, like the poem is yearning to have it's say and you kind of held back. I feel that you could have been a bit more descriptive. I loved the title " the new blind kind" It really caught my attention, more or less because it was a so different.

    Emotionless people,
    Uninterested zombies,
    Sitting somewhere
    moving hands ….

    this part in particular could have used a bit more meat, words that were a bit more alive. There is something to say here about the species that is evolving, the new kind of people, those who are blind. What are they blind to? the uninterested zombies part was a bit weird, what are zombies interested in? the flesh, so maybe this new kind of people, those who are blind are not necessarily like zombies. I know where your going with it but it's not like zombies are interested in the world around them, they are usually interested in just one thing, they are a bit narrow in they're focus.

    A quake can be felt,
    A truck could be heard,
    A woman drop dead.
    Someone …shaking fingers …

    I like this stanza... now this really flows well in the third line you could use " a woman drops dead. but the last bit, "someone.... shaking fingers... I did not get.

    I honestly like your idea and your poem. I do feel you need to develop it a bit more. Don't be afraid to use more words, write what you feel and I'm sure with a few edits you'll bring this poem to life.

    Ladydeathstrike
    | Posted on 2012-12-10 00:00:00 | by ladydeathstrike | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    196590

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Carry written by saartha
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Records I written by Raphael
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Cover written by saartha
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Dream written by closetpoet
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Love written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry