run up the hill with an empty gut
and heart emptied
Oh music falling down buildings!
strained out palms and broken fingers!
so much unsaid -
its feverish commitment -
smoked out indifference and regret.
I let you straddle brows, you drenched them
in your silent sweat, lit up by summer moons,
misguided passion, more so –
your effort to forget.
| I like how you pieced this together, sorta taking out the middleman words that we use to join words into precisely stated sentences. It works. What also works is the way you immediately address a person with the intriguing title of "Thought-whisper" and the following line is very intriguing. Why the run up the hill, the empty gut? Keeps me reading. |
I think you could find another word for "emptied" in the third line so as not to detract from "empty gut" in the previous. Easy enough edit.
I think the rest of the poem could use a second look, just to tighten it up, but you do well to give this sense of urgency and I feel like I'm on the outside watching this person running away from the things they've done. I know the type of person you're talking about, where you know they could pull themselves together, but there's just this tendency to fuck-up and then the fight or flight that rules their lives.
|| Posted on 2013-01-10 00:00:00 | by Aym | [ Reply to This ] |