Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: You I dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    26/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.04 - 136/243/154
    Words: 71
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 690
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 507



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots You I dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Thought-whisperer,
    run up the hill with an empty gut
    and heart emptied
    eyes turquoise
    across the
    skyline.
    Oh music falling down buildings!
    strained out palms and broken fingers!
    so much unsaid -
    its feverish commitment -
    smoked out indifference and regret.
    I let you straddle brows, you drenched them
    in your silent sweat, lit up by summer moons,
    misguided passion, more so
    your effort to forget.




    Submitted on 2013-01-09 07:20:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like how you pieced this together, sorta taking out the middleman words that we use to join words into precisely stated sentences. It works. What also works is the way you immediately address a person with the intriguing title of "Thought-whisper" and the following line is very intriguing. Why the run up the hill, the empty gut? Keeps me reading.

    I think you could find another word for "emptied" in the third line so as not to detract from "empty gut" in the previous. Easy enough edit.

    I think the rest of the poem could use a second look, just to tighten it up, but you do well to give this sense of urgency and I feel like I'm on the outside watching this person running away from the things they've done. I know the type of person you're talking about, where you know they could pull themselves together, but there's just this tendency to fuck-up and then the fight or flight that rules their lives.
    | Posted on 2013-01-10 00:00:00 | by Aym | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    196734

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Dream written by closetpoet
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Gaia written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry