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    dots Submission Name: diffusiondots

    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 140
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Misc
    Total Views: 562
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 767


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I love the way you promised me forever,
    I took it all in, full measure.
    I love the way you discarded the used rag of my heart
    when feelings reached boiling truths, spilling over me,
    leaving me burnt and charred.
    I love the memory of you,
    why do you force me to defile it so?
    I loved the way we spoke through skin and soul,
    the way you made me feel whole, before your smile faded and your lies took control..

    It's the same old scenario,
    a soul weary from too many wars, struck down beneath shimmering stars, a heart forced to stop all connections and all care,
    forced to replace rainbows and dreamscapes with war scenes littered with corpses.


    Submitted on 2013-01-30 15:41:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This writing, had a nice flow and rhythm to it. Which is different from the feelings of the other writings I've read of you. Like jeniece! said the transitions in this write where pretty good. I used to have a very vain rhyme structure, where I would work seemingly just to make sure the poem rhymed well. Sometimes at the sacrifice of quality and depth.

    Along the lines of metaphors, you did well. I enjoy the line "I love the way you discarded the used rag of my heart" I've often tried to word it this way, though I would not use this type of metaphor simply because It's not my type of style, but you made it work flawlessly.

    What I do not find very fitting is the sudden abrupt end. (Where supposed to not only give compliments) I feel as if you had more to say and could have went on for another stanza. A few more lines that wrap up the whole write would do wonders!

    | Posted on 2013-09-20 00:00:00 | by siroez | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the long lines here it works well with the flow. The pauses were just right at each moment. I was amazed by the transitions and how you managed to put it all together.

    love, loved...the feelings came across. thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2013-01-30 00:00:00 | by jeniecel | [ Reply to This ]

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