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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Illicit Emotionsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Carosuel
    ASL Info:    26/F/Twirlwind
    Elite Ratio:    4.93 - 96/73/28
    Words: 134
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1048
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 920



    Description:
       It's more or less a rough draft. I'm very open to criticism and am looking for any help to improve. The piece is very "me", my style and all, but I can't seem to grasp what's throwing off the balance here. Thanks in advance. :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIllicit Emotionsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Things, crimes really, moving through my mind.
    I wouldn't dare speak them aloud.
    Sometimes I just don't know when to shut my mouth.

    We're all guilty of something,
    it's always an eye for an eye,
    but how do we hold on to the purity
    wrapped in weather-worn leather inside?

    I can peel off my layers,
    but what good would that do?
    Leave myself vulnerable,
    a sitting target for you.

    When life gives you lemons,
    or some other silly thing...
    we could make the best of it,
    but it's easier to feign
    ...interest.

    Interest in continuing,
    trudging, heavy boots forward.
    Through mud, through clay,
    Forward until night and day,
    are one.

    And, I could peel off my layers.
    If I thought it would accomplish anything.




    Submitted on 2013-02-13 05:03:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      but how do we hold on to the purity
    wrapped in weather-worn leather inside?

    Very nice, original couple of lines here. I often face this same concept, I am sure everyone does. Purity is such a sacred thing, ah, just in awe of this point,

    concluding in the end that you kind of allow yourself to be, a product of this battle.

    "For the battle is mine"
    "We war not with flesh and blood"
    | Posted on 2013-02-16 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      The first line is a grabber and I liked the theme overall. I have a problem with the shifting of person from singular to plural.

    I would make changes as follows

    "but how do I hold on to the purity"

    "When life gives me lemons,
    or some other silly thing...
    I could make the best of it,
    but it's easier to feign
    ...interest."

    The following seems forced to get the rhyme. You don't need to do it. You have a lot going in this poem. Keep it flowing.

    "Through mud, through clay,
    Forward until night and day,"


    | Posted on 2013-02-15 00:00:00 | by my shadow | [ Reply to This ]
      I am liking the way it borders & skirts on cliché but swings around & counterpoint the phrase with an equal or opposite tenor & texture. Much enjoyed. Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2013-02-13 00:00:00 | by CrypticBard | [ Reply to This ]
      Beautiful, if somewhat dystopian.
    | Posted on 2013-02-13 00:00:00 | by ruejacobs | [ Reply to This ]


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