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    dots Submission Name: The Life We All Belongdots

    Author: Crestfallenman
    ASL Info:    24/M/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 622/961/452
    Words: 131
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 664
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 900


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Life We All Belongdots

    In a world of self-prevalence,
    Our entities become apparent.
    Upon the key upon the golden entrance,
    Becomes something more transparent.

    Where are we going? Where are we now?
    Futures provide no clues,
    The hanging onto our pasts bow,
    Is the behaviors some of you choose.

    Life has more meaning,
    For a world black in white is unattainable,
    We see this evidence ever gleaming,
    As the world becomes more favorable.

    The clouds of punishment, evaporate,
    The world of blackness, seems no more.
    The world we tend to be in full of self-hate,
    Transforms to something we all adore.

    The face of life,
    Rather than what death leaves our fears,
    Will allow us to see further light...
    So take life in spectrum...
    Wash away our vain spilled tears.

    Submitted on 2013-02-13 15:31:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I like the transition of black/white into the full spectrum. It is a happy ending sort of thing.
    | Posted on 2013-02-24 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      I think your poem is worthy, but it is a hit and miss. I was surprised by the cut off and lazy ending? I feel you need to work on it more. You do have a beautiful base to work with, so don't give up on it.
    | Posted on 2013-02-22 00:00:00 | by darkwhtangel | [ Reply to This ]
      It is the sort of poem that one makes, perhaps in a hurry, after getting a grip on some important thought or other. Now this is a bit of philosophy, but I am commenting as a poet - we have the task, should we choose to accept it, of working the topic into a new and remarkable piece of language, using tropes and verseforms.

    I didn't so mch like this poem, because it is really in prose although the speech rhythm and rhymes add a basic verse-form.

    Most of your other poems are more figurative ... but here, after making your points in prosaic language, you sum up with a couple of tired metaphors, nothing grabby really.

    I reckon the way to treat this topic is by telling a story with characters (The Lady Of Shallot jumps to mind, for it is about radical Romantic philosophy but just tells a little story about a couple of flaky characters!). Then a verse-form would come into flower for you, so to speak, and also the poem would be built upon a metaphor instead of trying to climb up some randomly chosen clichés.

    Alternately, this difficult and important topic might be easier treated in a lovely essay, when prosaic language and and trying hard to be clear and interesting is the artistic job, rather than "turning breath into sculpture" which is what verse tries to do.

    On the other hand, I am being really demanding here and the poem is, I admit, really worth studying! That's why I have so much to say about its form of expression. It is a sincere and I guess successful go at expressing the outcome of a personal process that we can all understand and learn from.
    | Posted on 2013-02-14 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]

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