Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Life We All Belongdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Crestfallenman
    ASL Info:    24/M/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 622/961/452
    Words: 131
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 664
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 900



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Life We All Belongdots
    -------------------------------------------


    In a world of self-prevalence,
    Our entities become apparent.
    Upon the key upon the golden entrance,
    Becomes something more transparent.

    Where are we going? Where are we now?
    Futures provide no clues,
    The hanging onto our pasts bow,
    Is the behaviors some of you choose.

    Life has more meaning,
    For a world black in white is unattainable,
    We see this evidence ever gleaming,
    As the world becomes more favorable.

    The clouds of punishment, evaporate,
    The world of blackness, seems no more.
    The world we tend to be in full of self-hate,
    Transforms to something we all adore.

    The face of life,
    Rather than what death leaves our fears,
    Will allow us to see further light...
    So take life in spectrum...
    Wash away our vain spilled tears.




    Submitted on 2013-02-13 15:31:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like the transition of black/white into the full spectrum. It is a happy ending sort of thing.
    | Posted on 2013-02-24 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      I think your poem is worthy, but it is a hit and miss. I was surprised by the cut off and lazy ending? I feel you need to work on it more. You do have a beautiful base to work with, so don't give up on it.
    | Posted on 2013-02-22 00:00:00 | by darkwhtangel | [ Reply to This ]
      It is the sort of poem that one makes, perhaps in a hurry, after getting a grip on some important thought or other. Now this is a bit of philosophy, but I am commenting as a poet - we have the task, should we choose to accept it, of working the topic into a new and remarkable piece of language, using tropes and verseforms.

    I didn't so mch like this poem, because it is really in prose although the speech rhythm and rhymes add a basic verse-form.

    Most of your other poems are more figurative ... but here, after making your points in prosaic language, you sum up with a couple of tired metaphors, nothing grabby really.

    I reckon the way to treat this topic is by telling a story with characters (The Lady Of Shallot jumps to mind, for it is about radical Romantic philosophy but just tells a little story about a couple of flaky characters!). Then a verse-form would come into flower for you, so to speak, and also the poem would be built upon a metaphor instead of trying to climb up some randomly chosen clichés.


    Alternately, this difficult and important topic might be easier treated in a lovely essay, when prosaic language and and trying hard to be clear and interesting is the artistic job, rather than "turning breath into sculpture" which is what verse tries to do.

    On the other hand, I am being really demanding here and the poem is, I admit, really worth studying! That's why I have so much to say about its form of expression. It is a sincere and I guess successful go at expressing the outcome of a personal process that we can all understand and learn from.
    | Posted on 2013-02-14 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    196914

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To written by SavedDragon
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    The Promise written by annie0888
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Incubus written by monad

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry