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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Overboarddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Rainin_Raspbery
    ASL Info:    22/F/Edmonton/AB/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    3.45 - 145/140/109
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 806
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 807



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOverboarddots
    -------------------------------------------


    A distant location,
    contains the cat nip of my affection
    To which is in the grasps of my question
    It appeals yet repeals
    In one swift action
    Making me want to run
    In another direction.

    Yet, I still cannot succeed
    Nor go into succession
    Perhaps this is because
    It lets me be.

    Warranting me to able to
    teach it a fun quick lesson.

    Man, Overboard
    This is the response and reaction
    I'm curious to see what will happen
    As this is my way of stopping the attraction
    Even if it's for one brief second
    Atlas, i'll be able to contain all thought filled transgressions.

    What lies beneath that
    Well soon take action





    Submitted on 2013-02-17 00:40:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I felt that it was fleeting, it needs something more concrete about it.

    Unlike Anarius, I didn't feel the need to know what your obsession was. I felt that the way you left it vague gave the reader a flexibility to interpret the poem for themselves.

    There were several grammar nitpicks and should the last line be "will" or "we'll"? The third stanza down didn't fit the flow and could be reworked a little to fit better.

    But, overall, it was intriguing, well thought out, and sweet. The second line really made me smile, it was such a cute notion!

    --Carrie
    | Posted on 2013-02-19 00:00:00 | by Carosuel | [ Reply to This ]
      I've read this a few times over now and find myself intrigued for sure. The flow of it definitely has likeness to spoken word speeches. I think the vagueness of the piece as to what you are talking about both makes one wonder what this place, this object of your affection is and we desire to know, but it also leaves the reader wanting something firm to grasp.
    | Posted on 2013-02-17 00:00:00 | by Anarius | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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