A distant location,
contains the cat nip of my affection
To which is in the grasps of my question
It appeals yet repeals
In one swift action
Making me want to run
In another direction.
Yet, I still cannot succeed
Nor go into succession
Perhaps this is because
It lets me be.
Warranting me to able to
teach it a fun quick lesson.
Man, Overboard
This is the response and reaction
I'm curious to see what will happen
As this is my way of stopping the attraction
Even if it's for one brief second
Atlas, i'll be able to contain all thought filled transgressions.
I felt that it was fleeting, it needs something more concrete about it.
Unlike Anarius, I didn't feel the need to know what your obsession was. I felt that the way you left it vague gave the reader a flexibility to interpret the poem for themselves.
There were several grammar nitpicks and should the last line be "will" or "we'll"? The third stanza down didn't fit the flow and could be reworked a little to fit better.
But, overall, it was intriguing, well thought out, and sweet. The second line really made me smile, it was such a cute notion!
I've read this a few times over now and find myself intrigued for sure. The flow of it definitely has likeness to spoken word speeches. I think the vagueness of the piece as to what you are talking about both makes one wonder what this place, this object of your affection is and we desire to know, but it also leaves the reader wanting something firm to grasp.
Submission Name: Overboard
