So people have always asked me why i'm so quiet. I always would tell them, "Well I've got nothin' to say." The truth is, I didn't wanna be judged by the words that I said as if the thoughts in my head would scare people away. I've never been one to have many friends. In the school line i'd find my usual place at the end. I'd sit at the front of the cafeteria. I was always the first one to take a seat because while everyone else was in line to get their food, I didn't eat. Sometimes people would ask me why I never ate and i'd tell them I forgot my lunch money. But i never really forgot. When my mom would ask me if I was out of lunch money, I would tell her I had plenty when really it was empty, left with not even a penny. I wanted to lose weight so I skipped meals and not having the money to eat would leave me without a choice. So I couldn't change my mind. Because in my mind, I had to be that much skinnier to be that much prettier. But how could I be pretty on the outside if i'm not even pretty within? Day by day, I'd cover my face with layers of makeup because I had ugly skin. I tried to find clothes that would make me look thin. Some mornings I would wake up and not even wanna try so I'd tell my mom I was sick throwing up so she'd let me stay home and not have to deal with all the stress because I had had enough. I would spend the day trying to find out ways for me to be at least kind of pretty. But it would take months to happen with all the extra weight and acne. And because of my impatience, I thought of a faster process. So I'd try to lose weight by shoving my fingers down my throat. But that was too hard to hide so I stopped before it got too hard to fight. It was 7th grade and when October came along, I found a guy who would tell me i was beautiful. All those mean, insecure thoughts that crossed my mind everyday and everynight were proved wrong. I started gaining confindence but in the wrong way. I was depending on him for my confidence, happiness and my strength. And when we broke up in September of the next year, all those thoughts came back. I spent those 10 months being happy but then I realized it was only temporary. I started feeling like I was just a waste. I would cut my skin to feel the pain. To know that I'm alive. To feel alive was something I strived. And i needed another boyfriend because I didn't wanna be alone. So guy after guy, I was taken advantage of. It was just love that I wanted but they were clearly there for something else. I didn't wanna be thought of in that way but hey, at least I was being thought of at all. But after insecurity, heartbreak, pain and suffer, A new me was discovered. I'm not as confident as I'm gonna be but I am gonna be. Those cuts on my wrist are now just old scars and the cuts on my heart are in healing. Right now i'm getting along but soon I WILL be happy.