Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: New Beginnings dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: metallichick786
    ASL Info:    32/F/Cali
    Elite Ratio:    2.79 - 78/85/52
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1010
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 664



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNew Beginnings dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I envy the flowers that bloom in the Spring
    Thriving with rebirth while I wither each year
    A new season, a new life, melting into beauty
    I--without identity or purpose-- linger aimlessly

    I watch the water drench the ground
    It fills me with a guarded hope
    To one day be filled with aroma and life
    The sun infiltrating my every need

    A cycle in which I accept and embrace death
    For I will rise again in the year to come
    A new beginning, a new life always ahead of me
    I, always wanted and loved by all

    To birth in the Spring and die in the Fall





    Submitted on 2013-03-06 19:45:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This will be easiest for me if I take i stanza-by-stanza. Please don't think I'm trying to be mean or rude.

    "I envy the flowers that bloom in the Spring
    Thriving with rebirth while I wither each year
    A new season, a new life, melting into beauty
    I-without identity or purpose linger aimlessly"

    This is the most powerful stanza. It reads beautifully and has the most punch. I would only mention that, in the last line, "I-without..." should read "I--without identity or purpose--linger..." Grammar. It's a killer.

    "I watch the water drench the ground
    It fills me with a guarded hope
    To one day be filled with aroma and life
    The sun infiltrating my every need"

    Is infiltrating the right word? It sounds off. There are several factors I'd play with here. The whole flower analogy could be better articulated. The "guarded hope" could be expounded. All in all, I'd take a second look at this stanza.

    "A cycle in which I accept and embrace death
    For I will rise again in the year to come
    A new beginning, a new life always ahead of me
    I, always wanted and loved by all"

    I think that you should add the word "must" in that first line. "...in which I must accept..." I think that would better support the metamorphosis that the poem embodies. The last line shouldn't have a comma. It throws the reader a tad.

    "To birth in the Spring and die in the Fall"

    Whatever traction you lost from the first stanza, you make it up with this last line. Incredible ending.

    Just my two-cents, take them or leave them,
    --Carrie.
    | Posted on 2013-03-07 00:00:00 | by Carosuel | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    196999

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry