Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mocked By The Clockdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: siroez
    ASL Info:    27/Male/WV
    Elite Ratio:    5.23 - 101/87/44
    Words: 263
    Class/Type: Prose/Serious
    Total Views: 926
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1450



    Description:
       This is just the maturity of the situation I've come to live in. Every single moment has spent wondering when I will endure the last moment and the last unknowing thought.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMocked By The Clockdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Mocked By The Clock

    Its passing around, It's gonna come back. Its passed back around, I'm sure its passed me now.

    I'm swallowing my younger years while kissing my own ass early. I thought if I truly believed in something, I could make it real. Now I don't know what to believe. I hope someone can hear me. Whoever is there hear me now. My broken dreams can always be mended. Please remove the shell from the thread. As we sulk over the pieces, I will remember the trigger is in our heads. Its just same the old sad sad story. I let new air in but the same person passes through the net. It's always the same in the pit isn't it? How could the tortured breathe new breathes? For the life of me I can't remember if Iíll survive or not.

    Still it repeats, over and over again.

    I can no longer smell the nostalgia or remember the shades. A variety of shapes cast vacant amongst the distance. A palette of colors I no longer remember holding. Mentality so weak. I dream blackness nothing moves. Indeed I have aged, for I lie incompetent, suspended for years. I have not matured. My spirit unprevailing. As my soul sinks deep inside of me. I am caught in a web of survival. One day the truth will come. For now no light cast through the black.

    For how could the tortured breathe new breathes?

    I repeat. I am doomed to repeat.




    Submitted on 2013-03-09 12:39:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      NICE. Let me just say the first thought of I can't believe you're only 27! 'This is surely the lamentations of a 50 year-old man' I thought to myself. Then my jaw dropped when I took note of your actual age. Amazing job of capturing such an 'elder voice'.

    An area of contention: In the second paragraph, the line 'I dream blackness nothing moves', could have a comma between 'blackness' and 'nothing'. I say *could* because it still fits the flow of the piece either way (which, by the way, speaks VOLumes about how open-ended your style in this is).
    Wait.
    Huh.
    Then again, there are many other places you could have placed commas, but you opted NOT to, and it WORKED.

    It is nigh impossible not to become 'bogged down' by the severity of reading this piece, and for that, I applaud you; you're doing it right! Carry on.

    ~Truffles
    | Posted on 2013-04-04 00:00:00 | by Trufflepiggy | [ Reply to This ]
      for the life of me i cannot remember if i survive or not.

    i appreciate this line. i appreciate it because of the groundhog day characteristics life has a habit of echoing. its like youve been here before and youve seen the movie of your life playing out and you always remember that you can never remember how it ends at this point...

    this point doesnt last forever no matter how many times it feels youve been round the mountain. and sometimes youve been round the mountain less times than you think coz sometimes to view is the same all the way round and there are no significant landmarks to measure youre progress.

    a stopped clock is right twice a day. yeah?

    yeah.

    i am doomed to repeat.

    yes and no.

    sometimes you feel like youre stuck in a rut but sometimes its your thinking that keeps you there.
    if you expect nothing new then you wont see any change in circumstance.
    though having said that sometimes you can expect too much change and become disappointed when you dont see it and then self destruct.

    its a fine line.

    maybe its time to mock the clock back somehow?
    | Posted on 2013-03-11 00:00:00 | by impossiblyme | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    197020

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry