A suitor that always triumphed from the start
but a welcome distraction with a cold embrace
this willing donor surrendered her heart
Succumbed to encircling essence displace
He kissed the dreams that held most dear
A patient thief he was known again
She defied common nature to be near
While all else ran from the lover's name
She quietly waited with lack of fear
As he enveloped her in endless night
Nothing in the world could ever compare
Death, a gentleman finds such respite
In truest love, a beauty no words can write.
Lets see...you wanted advice on how to "clean it up a bit". My only suggestions are to maybe add punctuation and use a synonym for the word "enveloped" since you used the word "enveloping" a few lines before that. Other than that, great piece!