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    dots Submission Name: Gumamelasdots

    Author: jeniecel
    ASL Info:    28/f/philippines
    Elite Ratio:    3.22 - 313/373/169
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 751
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 859

       Contemplating in a cold weather....

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Gumamelas in lightest yellow
    with stem bend to earth,
    growing with young grass
    against the harsh sun
    come here with me
    We'll look up to the sky, wink of crystal blue
    through the cryptic shadows

    You, apart have longed for water
    while I wait
    I trust
    I live full of last things
    and I know the thrilling roses, dying,
    all its petals held stories hidden
    from its blooming
    but you
    are not given
    not even to the ground.

    We are forever
    in some sort of love never coming
    only restrain
    Gumamelas, die in summer
    my heart shall be stilled
    for not all that falls in summer is rain
    not all that blooms are roses
    not all of love is pain.

    Submitted on 2013-03-25 02:28:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      There are parts of this that sound completely like you - you like how in one glance I can see where you end and someone else's idea begins, but stay with me a bit - and those bits are beautiful. There are also parts of this that are like a near-sighted person glancing down at the farscape, and the vision goes from sharp clarity to muted blurs. Here's what I mean:

    We'll look up to the sky, wink of crystal blue
    through the cryptic shadows

    Someone wise and dearly departed once told me that color descriptions should mean more to you, and should express you rather than describe the color your reader should picture from your words.

    Crystals can be blue, so it's not wrong to use it, but it's like taxi-ing down a runway, bumped out of your seat and spilling your in-flight drink (that you illegally have). I'm told that the sky in the Philippines is unlike anywhere else in the world - pick a meaningful description to capture that in your piece.

    Cryptic shadows are more suited to suspense novels than your wonderful poetry. I would further suggest not using the word "shadows" either, just because the full sun that Gumamelas need don't really suit itself to a shadowy scene.

    An opinion to close out my critique. Your second stanza is the strongest and most ... you. End with "you". Switch the last and the second stanza. to me, it ends better that way.

    | Posted on 2014-05-23 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      Parting is such sweet sorrow being apart is like
    Having the bandaid pulled off forever. I need to
    Move to a land where love is eternal and green.
    Where new memories are made and old memories are
    Photos for friends on Facebook.
    I know but thats how I feel reading this sweet poetry
    Like I am a flower in want of water and the entire reservoir
    Is held in your hands.
    If I were a good critic I would bring up the juxtaposition of
    Symbols the use of specific flowers and their seasons
    Of Life and how this is used to blend depth and meaning
    How you infuse your piece with extended life by the subtle
    Relationships each new thought blends with the ones that
    Went before but I am only a lazy viewer tonight who really
    Needed to read this poem.
    | Posted on 2013-03-25 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]

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