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in too deep

Author: DaleP
ASL Info:    57/M/TX
Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 632 /554 /330
Words: 203
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1896
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 7466


in too deep


                         I breathe a breath of Babylon
                         in polyglot I slur divination's

                         a dirge for love pierced to quick
                         and fallen
                         melancholy drama

                         all for want of clarity
                          to amplify
                         our clarion call
                         we bear arms for Love

                         kiss my eyelids closed
                         I am posed to an awkward resemble
                         calm replete with suffering
                         draw on a last reserve
                          to succor a lack
                         of you

                         miles and miles of a land without smiles
                         as brow is beat to tears no more salty
                         no more sweet than dreams lost
                         beneath a vault as blue as hearts
                         without blood

                         screaming out the window
                         while the very air is baked
                         to grey
                         the dust of revolution was never
                         a solution when all that we ever
                         wanted is what we already have

                         the sun at war over my head
                         boots me firmly out of bed
                         makes me see with brand new eyes
                         makes me just a bit more wise
                         are a gift of the most subtle hue
                         and it behooves
                         me to cherish every
                         that we

Submitted on 2013-04-13 01:38:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I always wish people would write figuratively, but when they really do, as you do, I can't understand half of it. How's that for a useless comment?

Maybe it is useful if one suggests referencing the illustration; a fine piece like that has an author just as as the poem does.

| Posted on 2013-04-15 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
| Posted on 2013-04-14 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the entirety of the poem but I would like to highlight some parts of it.
"as I draw on a last reserve to succor a lack of you"..I like how you format this. It gives the right pauses it needs. I can relate to this line, on how you savor memories given how limited they are sometimes.
"when all that we ever wanted is what we already have
everyday"..I like the simplicity of this line but almost like a whisper on the ear. Most of the time we keep asking for more, looking for something new when what we ever needed is what we already have. I (we) need to be reminded of this.
"are a gift of the most subtle hue and it behooves
me to cherish every moment...."this is my favorite. I really enjoyed this Dale.
| Posted on 2013-04-14 00:00:00 | by jeniecel | [ Reply to This ]
  I can definitely appreciate the succubus this represents armed inspiration. I just love the Babylonian polyglot slurring divinations Words. Sheer blither schtick that was not. As for the second verse I had never thought of the tower of Babble as an edifice erection in the name of romance. I'm surprised it never lingam and yoni came to me before. The third verse is kind of desperate but you have aimed pretty high so far, perhaps the visage of this succubus will walk through the door at any minute. I like the heights the fourth verse seems to aspire to aimed heart. Human dreams lost in the expansiveness of sky. Perhaps we rise to the occasion up reds. Yes!!!??? The fifth verse makes me wish there was more sanctity to be found with this possession we already have. The thought of Ra (or was that raw) booting me out of bed, forcing me to reconnoiter my dreams as I transition into consciousness intrigues, leaves me pondering the entirety of feminine charm and wondering where I shades of Pygmalion am going to come up with one. Cherish....indeed!!! Great stuff Dale, keep it up.

| Posted on 2013-04-13 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ] When you're in can't get out, no matter the outside forces. I really enjoyed this write, Dale. It left me with a reminiscent smile...I have a yearning for someone I (probably) cannot have. Someone I once had decades ago (whom, I'm sure, I've made a prince of).

The first line, "I breathe a breath" causes one to stop hold and cherish the moment - one never knows how long something good can last, or how quickly it will be taken away.

I absolutely loved the last verse. It added a nice kick to the whole...but it left me wishing you had rhymed the write in its entirety. Only a couple of things I might change in that last verse (for rhythm's sake) would be "above" instead of "over" ...for some reason, it sounds more pleasing to my ears.

Also, you have: "You are a gift of the most subtle hue and it behooves me to cherish you." (I'm all for) Eliminating repetition...and again, for rhythm's sake...(I would) drop the "you are" (but that leaves the reader with the responsibility of emphasizing the word "the" which could throw the whole rhythm thing off)...also leaving a bit of tweaking on the last line.

I hope this doesn't offend you. I wasn't sure what you were looking for regarding comments. And what I'm leaving here is what came to my mind. :) All in all, I rarely comment here at Elite Skills...and (as of late) I hardly visit, let alone submit my work (used to spend quite a bit of time's not the same). I like that I was able to (perhaps) relate.

Nice job!
| Posted on 2013-04-13 00:00:00 | by KimmyMim | [ Reply to This ]

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