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    dots Submission Name: Shadow Heartdots

    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 159
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 672
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 6951


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShadow Heartdots


                                  Standing in the foyer
                                  of a lifetime
                                  yet to run
                                  I argue with my refection
                                  in a silver gilded mirror
                                  does she love me
                                  is she thinking of me
                                  do I even have a right to care

                                  The shadow band plays tunes
                                  of stark speculation
                                  in long tones of gathered gloom
                                  While the moon through my window                               turns illusion
                                  into a hatful of gold

                                  Will the morning see us
                                  cuddled in harmony
                                   or will I breakfast alone
                                  in whiskey sodden misery

                                  The devil? well he will
                                  sympathize until I am out of
                                  but the only way the sun will shine
                                  is with her lips joined to mine

                                  My love for her
                                  on the inside
                                  Like chocolate
                                  melting in too much
                                  It may not be good for me
                                  and it is darker than sweet
                                  but O
                                  what a tasty treat

    Submitted on 2013-04-19 00:32:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I must say this poem is somewhat divided in two parts, there is the questioning and submission. It is apparent how all of us are not in control with our emotions most of the time. We try to stop but still we continue. I like how you end this as much as the beginning. The middle part, I agree with the previous comment is a bit shaky there.
    | Posted on 2013-04-26 00:00:00 | by jeniecel | [ Reply to This ]
      the first two stanzas are great. i really like the shadow band [as a wedding ring is also called a band so its kind of a word play but maybe not on purpose] but i feel like the second two stanzas are unnecessary darkness...

    hear me out!

    you start the piece with great imagery and ideas and while i can understand how the last half relates it gets somewhat gobbled up in clichéd ideas that have been heard before.. if you could find a new way of saying it without the devil and the jester and blood dripping then maybe it would work better but its almost like you werent sure how to end it so you just kept going until it ended itself...

    please dont be mad for my comment. i do not mean it in a bad way at all. its just i really liked the first two stanzas but after that the effect was lost on me. perhaps ive just been round this site too long and read too many blood driping love poems...

    your opening line is INCREDIBLE!! the foyer of a life time... WOW!
    | Posted on 2013-04-19 00:00:00 | by impossiblyme | [ Reply to This ]

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