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    dots Submission Name: Oneness…(working title)dots

    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.08 - 366/364/154
    Words: 183
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 687
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1238

       another one from last night...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOneness…(working title)dots

    (Morning yields herself to the thunder)-
    As my clumsy fingers, cherry tobacco stained,
    And trembling, packs my pipe

    The steel arch of my frame meets the mossy stump
    Pale grey pours over teal blue skies
    Slanted spheres of wetness fall

    -The heavens divulge-

    I don’t know why the rain moves me so…
    Perhaps it’s the arduous journey from the sea
    To the breaking of the clouds-
    Each drop a conqueror,
    An encapsulation of life, of death, of…

    - Moving through space-

    Only to return and become one
    Each molecule symbiotically binding
    Itself to the other
    The 8 electrons that circle like moons
    And call the tides in

    Plato surmised them Icosahedron
    A sort of atomic prism with which life springs
    An infinite complexity of facets- and
    Who am I to disagree with the great Greek mind?

    As I stare at your diffused form
    And efficacious hands as they explore
    The veins of my arms now soaked with the blood
    Of centuries

    Submitted on 2013-04-24 09:16:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      And wow, very moving, very powerful. Unique. I like how it opens with the sun and then the storm and rain are introduced in the same moment of time. Its such a refreshing take on nature and the reflection of reality. Mysterious.

    This is instantly a favorite. I would copy some of my favorite lines for emphasis but the entire piece is so good one line after the other I just have to say how glad I am that I stumbled upon this.

    Thank You for sharing.

    | Posted on 2014-11-22 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      My thoughts-

    Stanza one and two feel misplaced when you read the final two. Stanza three needs to be thrown out all together. It clutters the transiton of the emotional construct of the piece itself. When you delve into the Greek side of things you really shine through and in my opinion you should expand off of the sentiment and construct something to a much higher ideal. The frist two just feel -right- if that makes sense, as if when reflecting on the work itself, it seems to be almost expected that the piece should begin with such sentiments and statements. You do little to empower the final stanza's which I feel are the whole point of the piece.

    I enjoyed it for the most part but I constantly retrace the ending of the work as brilliance.

    | Posted on 2013-04-24 00:00:00 | by HisNameIsNoMore | [ Reply to This ]
      ...Who am I to disagree with the great Greek mind?

    As I stare at your diffused form
    And efficacious hands as they explore
    The veins of my arms now soaked with the blood
    Of centuries

    Interesting thought processes here: this seems to be a meditation on eternity, mortality, and the symbiosis between the theoretical/ philosophical (Plato and the concept of perfect solids) and practical/ sensual (pipe tobacco and the teal-colored sky) aspects of human existence.

    Those are just some of my thoughts, JP. Feel free to disagree with Greek geniuses and fellow poets as well.


    | Posted on 2013-04-24 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]

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