Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Withindots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: TheSnoitart
    ASL Info:    19/ M/ USA
    Elite Ratio:    3.63 - 53/64/52
    Words: 100
    Class/Type: Poetry/Me
    Total Views: 1085
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 579



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWithindots
    -------------------------------------------


    The wasteland in my mind
    holds its own sort of dark beauty;
    a broken world
    (or many?)
    the empty pieces
    fractured and alone
    all man's work reduced
    to a puddle of molten slag.

    The barren depths of my soul
    devoid of your cleansing light
    because I won't let it in
    (if you would ever even offer)
    afraid of what I might see in those
    abysmal depths--
    what I might have let myself become
    An abhorrent monster, wearing the face of
    a lost poet




    Submitted on 2013-04-27 00:53:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I found this somewhat chilling, perhaps because in reading it I see the own monsters within myself.

    The poem is provocative and ironic, on one hand, refusing to let in the light because being afraid of what it reveals, and on the other hand, already knowing what it is you have become.

    To whom then is the poem addressed? Who is the 'you' ? A lover? The world? the speaker's own conscience? The resentment implied in 'if you would ever even offer' reinforces the solitude and aloneness conjured by the fractured images in the first stanza.

    My only suggestions would be some few words do seem a bit cliché, i e "barren depths of my soul" "abysmal depths" I feel could be more finely crafted as it detracts from the overall tone and feel.
    | Posted on 2013-05-03 00:00:00 | by ziska | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    197291

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Lying Acceptance written by ForgottenGraves
    Sólo por pensar asi written by MyPeriodical
    Forms and girders written by Daniel Barlow
    Yearn written by saartha
    Things become tangled written by Daniel Barlow
    The written by Hazy skies
    For serious written by Daniel Barlow
    Buried written by MyPeriodical
    Merge written by saartha
    Spaces written by Daniel Barlow
    Blinded by Sight written by Torie
    motivations, eclectic. written by Daniel Barlow
    Hazy Half-Moon written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Still written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Cannot Assimilate written by Daniel Barlow
    Hurt written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Sun-meeting written by Daniel Barlow
    Wisp of You written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Forgetting You written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Emotions written by taintedsmiles
    Sweet You written by Daniel Barlow
    Tidal written by OneDarkFlame92
    Exult written by saartha
    Forget written by Crestfallenman
    Within a structure written by Daniel Barlow
    Repetition written by Daniel Barlow
    Something Spoken written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled#1 written by Daniel Barlow
    Global Death Do Incite written by MyPeriodical
    Orange written by saartha

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry