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    dots Submission Name: My Queen of Black and Saltdots

    Author: Akiko Hime
    ASL Info:    23/F/Romania
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 25/7/11
    Words: 172
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 743
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1010

       Well I can say I was inspired by the words of a friend of mine...like "oh i can use this!" . Feelings for a woman you know will bring distruction upon you, and yet it is all you wish - to be reduced to nothingness by her touch.

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    dotsMy Queen of Black and Saltdots

    You who carry the burden of loneliness upon your womb,
    In the abyss of darkness without compassion you bloom;
    And you could - descending, turn this frozen mist of time into a wall,
    For the world - descending, your touch would stain with misery the light within us all.

    And the shore brakes from the sea and follows
    As your shaking shadow, as a snake shaped hollow;
    And you could - forgetting, brake us all between your lashes,
    For the world - forgetting, your tears would turn it all to ashes.

    In your eyes the moon and stars reflect
    And all the trees and fruits of life are wrecked,
    And you could - glaring, peel the rays from our watchful sun,
    For the world - glaring, one glance would darken everyone.

    And all this is known, but the longing in my soul -
    To call you forth and once again be whole;
    And so I sacrifice my mirrored heart,
    To you my queen of black and salt.

    Submitted on 2013-05-01 19:03:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I have read this several times and I think I have finally come into a comprehension I can relate. It's about the feminine mystique of pregnancy. How women are responsible for the body. That it must be salient and though lonely complete within its self. As a martial artist I like to think I relate this blackness and its relative necessity in human terms. The light within us may evolve as finding comfort in social contiguity but if your going to be worth your salt you must first find your individuality. The embryonic journey my mother afforded me would then represent my queen of black and salt. A condition that must be afforded sanctity in loo of detrimental disregards dire consequences. Feel free to tell me if I missed the point completely. In my own defense it was a fairly abstract dissertation.

    | Posted on 2013-05-04 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the thought of this, but I get lost in the cadence of the rhyme. At times it moves like the tides, but somehow I think this would be better without the aabb rhyme scheme that feels a bit forced and clichéd. It's hard to feel the antipathy that the words are trying to convey. This was like reading a cartoon spoof of evil that just doesn't quite carry the right impact for the imagery. The repeating words in last couplets of each strophe may be a bit much by the end, especially since it is not in the last stanza. Hope this was a bit helpful, try revising and tightening up, and consider dropping your rhyme scheme. You have good imagery and the Black and Salt is a great description to take and run with.
    | Posted on 2013-05-03 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]

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