[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: My Queen of Black and Saltdots

    Author: Akiko Hime
    ASL Info:    23/F/Romania
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 25/7/11
    Words: 172
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 704
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1010

       Well I can say I was inspired by the words of a friend of mine...like "oh i can use this!" . Feelings for a woman you know will bring distruction upon you, and yet it is all you wish - to be reduced to nothingness by her touch.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Queen of Black and Saltdots

    You who carry the burden of loneliness upon your womb,
    In the abyss of darkness without compassion you bloom;
    And you could - descending, turn this frozen mist of time into a wall,
    For the world - descending, your touch would stain with misery the light within us all.

    And the shore brakes from the sea and follows
    As your shaking shadow, as a snake shaped hollow;
    And you could - forgetting, brake us all between your lashes,
    For the world - forgetting, your tears would turn it all to ashes.

    In your eyes the moon and stars reflect
    And all the trees and fruits of life are wrecked,
    And you could - glaring, peel the rays from our watchful sun,
    For the world - glaring, one glance would darken everyone.

    And all this is known, but the longing in my soul -
    To call you forth and once again be whole;
    And so I sacrifice my mirrored heart,
    To you my queen of black and salt.

    Submitted on 2013-05-01 19:03:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I have read this several times and I think I have finally come into a comprehension I can relate. It's about the feminine mystique of pregnancy. How women are responsible for the body. That it must be salient and though lonely complete within its self. As a martial artist I like to think I relate this blackness and its relative necessity in human terms. The light within us may evolve as finding comfort in social contiguity but if your going to be worth your salt you must first find your individuality. The embryonic journey my mother afforded me would then represent my queen of black and salt. A condition that must be afforded sanctity in loo of detrimental disregards dire consequences. Feel free to tell me if I missed the point completely. In my own defense it was a fairly abstract dissertation.

    | Posted on 2013-05-04 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the thought of this, but I get lost in the cadence of the rhyme. At times it moves like the tides, but somehow I think this would be better without the aabb rhyme scheme that feels a bit forced and clichéd. It's hard to feel the antipathy that the words are trying to convey. This was like reading a cartoon spoof of evil that just doesn't quite carry the right impact for the imagery. The repeating words in last couplets of each strophe may be a bit much by the end, especially since it is not in the last stanza. Hope this was a bit helpful, try revising and tightening up, and consider dropping your rhyme scheme. You have good imagery and the Black and Salt is a great description to take and run with.
    | Posted on 2013-05-03 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Cover written by saartha
    Etiquette written by saartha
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    Love written by saartha
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    prison written by ShyOne
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    mimicry written by expiring_touch




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]