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    dots Submission Name: Changedots

    Author: blankscreen
    ASL Info:    22/f/NY
    Elite Ratio:    5.57 - 222/196/163
    Words: 62
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 854
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 385


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    Iíll see your pain
    And I will raise you a scar
    Or two
    Because we both have stories to tell
    But mine are my truths

    Iíve carried them as medals
    For longer than Iíve known

    I wonder what it would be likeÖ
    Could you take them off my hands for a while?
    Hopefully this freedom breath
    Wonít choke me

    Submitted on 2013-05-02 23:05:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      the song playing in the background of this piece is tom waits - bad liver and a broken heart. [youtube it. its gorgeous.]

    sometimes we get used to our scars and hide behind them. i remember a lyric to another song that says "scars are souvenirs you never lose" and it is true.
    sometimes the idea of taking them off can be daunting but it would be interesting to see what life would be like without them... would you function differently? would you process your feelings and emotions differently? you be braver? more fearless? more adventurous...?

    good luck
    | Posted on 2013-05-08 00:00:00 | by impossiblyme | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the first stanza; the boldness and a sense of disregard.

    My overall first impression after my first read was good. I understood the poem in concept form as this:

    You relate to someone from your sorrows

    You have had a life of pain and prided in the scars.

    and there is someone who can help you get through it, if only for a moment. But maybe that moment of freedom is more than you can take? or more than you're currently ready for?

    I feel like there is so many deep emotions here and alot of time reflected on, which would allow you to write alot more for this poem. I feel like the story you want you tell, or feeling you want to express is still inside you.

    overall i enjoyed, had me looking for more. Enjoy your day.
    | Posted on 2013-05-04 00:00:00 | by strokes | [ Reply to This ]
      Consider shortening "Could you take them off my hands for a while?" to "Could you hold them a while?" I think it wil improve the flow and tighten that line a bit.
    | Posted on 2013-05-03 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]

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