[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Vernal innocence and seasonal correction dots

    Author: OneDarkFlame92
    ASL Info:    23/m/Numeanor
    Elite Ratio:    5.28 - 455/419/222
    Words: 81
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 731
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 565


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsVernal innocence and seasonal correction dots

    laid out, lying
    caressed into a soft pink
    against lighter skin
    alluding to darker shades
    exuding deep reds

    Deep into the heart of Spring

    your petals bloom and open
    and i can hide under the rose
    until they extend past comfort
    and into a tart, prickly desire

    Deep within the heart of Spring

    a sweet, sticky nectar
    pressed against my mouth
    begging to part these lips and ask:

    why is everything always about sex?

    Submitted on 2013-05-04 12:46:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      im not sure where my brain is tonight but sex was not the first thing i thought of when reading this piece.
    for some reason all i could see was someone laid out in a coffin... it wasnt til right at the end that i worked out i was quite quite wrong lol.

    so stepping away from the coffin...

    i like the progression.

    into the heart... within the heart...
    flirting... marriage... does that make sense?

    anyways... why is everything always about sex?

    | Posted on 2013-05-08 00:00:00 | by impossiblyme | [ Reply to This ]
      what i liked was
    "a sweet, sticky nectar" it painted a nice picture in my head. Sexual of nature I admit. I liked that you chose an organic word such as nectar.

    what im not sure about is the middle stanza. i don't know if thats flower talk or sex talk. or maybe thats what you're trying to achieve , that is both and invidual at the same time.

    the first stanza the word choice
    laid out, lying"

    as a thought maybe replace "laid out" with a word that describes the nature of the lying

    for example
    sprawled out, lying"

    I dont know if I even like "sprawled out" in there but just an example

    Good last stanza. I always like a good sex poem. thanks for the post.
    | Posted on 2013-05-04 00:00:00 | by strokes | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Carry written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    Etiquette written by saartha
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Every..... written by jackz
    written by Daniel Barlow
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    Push written by JanePlane
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    The Azores written by poetotoe
    Cover written by saartha
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]