Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Vernal innocence and seasonal correction dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: OneDarkFlame92
    ASL Info:    23/m/Numeanor
    Elite Ratio:    5.29 - 457/420/224
    Words: 81
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 987
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 565



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsVernal innocence and seasonal correction dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Carelessly
    laid out, lying
    caressed into a soft pink
    against lighter skin
    alluding to darker shades
    exuding deep reds

    Deep into the heart of Spring

    your petals bloom and open
    and i can hide under the rose
    until they extend past comfort
    and into a tart, prickly desire

    Deep within the heart of Spring

    a sweet, sticky nectar
    pressed against my mouth
    begging to part these lips and ask:

    why is everything always about sex?




    Submitted on 2013-05-04 12:46:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      im not sure where my brain is tonight but sex was not the first thing i thought of when reading this piece.
    for some reason all i could see was someone laid out in a coffin... it wasnt til right at the end that i worked out i was quite quite wrong lol.

    so stepping away from the coffin...

    i like the progression.

    into the heart... within the heart...
    flirting... marriage... does that make sense?

    anyways... why is everything always about sex?

    | Posted on 2013-05-08 00:00:00 | by impossiblyme | [ Reply to This ]
      what i liked was
    "a sweet, sticky nectar" it painted a nice picture in my head. Sexual of nature I admit. I liked that you chose an organic word such as nectar.

    what im not sure about is the middle stanza. i don't know if thats flower talk or sex talk. or maybe thats what you're trying to achieve , that is both and invidual at the same time.

    the first stanza the word choice
    "carelessly
    laid out, lying"

    as a thought maybe replace "laid out" with a word that describes the nature of the lying

    for example
    "carelessly
    sprawled out, lying"

    I dont know if I even like "sprawled out" in there but just an example

    Good last stanza. I always like a good sex poem. thanks for the post.
    | Posted on 2013-05-04 00:00:00 | by strokes | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    197345

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    untitled written by MyPeriodical
    Taos written by MyPeriodical
    March to the Block written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the Poets written by HisNameIsNoMore
    & written by MEGASWELL
    when angels deserve to die written by MyPeriodical
    4AM New York written by TheStillSilence
    Terrified part two written by MyPeriodical
    *)*(*)*(*)*(* written by MEGASWELL
    Only One You written by Darkwarrior
    Essence written by TheStillSilence
    The Searchers written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Ramble Rumble Tumble Jumble written by MEGASWELL
    Entrapment written by rememberplaydoh
    For Joanne written by rememberplaydoh
    The Charlatan Tree written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Up in Smoke written by rememberplaydoh
    Sledge written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Spit the World into a Gin Glass written by HisNameIsNoMore
    On September Lips written by HisNameIsNoMore
    bleeding part one written by MyPeriodical
    proclamations to the void written by cornonthekob
    ~~~ written by MEGASWELL
    ./*.*./*.*./*. written by MEGASWELL
    Happy Birthday written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The america that I remember written by TheStillSilence
    How much for love? written by Darkwarrior
    ¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡ written by MEGASWELL
    Saviors and Storms written by HisNameIsNoMore
    30/Om written by rememberplaydoh

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry