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    dots Submission Name: brittledots

    Author: Midnight_Toker
    Elite Ratio:    0.67 - 13/232/500
    Words: 87
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 622
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 458


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    i am lacking
    i am weak
    this frame is brittle
    and incomplete
    how do i stop time long enough?
    to reach the depths of my heart
    i close my eyes cus i dont want to see-and screams strike out from the dark,
    madness whispers my name and i strain to escape its reach
    i run to the bitter blissful deep
    because i am lacking
    i am weak
    this frame is brittle
    i am incomplete

    Submitted on 2013-05-06 19:07:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
       I like your original scheme for this poem, I like it because within a single line its as if the words comunicate with each other, they have a rythm amongst themselves and thus my feelings seem to aline with the ones you conveyed so perfectly.
    I loved everything about this poem - how you went from a shallow tangible "frame", something one can touch and see and relate , a great metaphor and then ! and then ! you slowly went deep, to the bottomless pit we all carry inside and then ... as if trying to gasp for air .. you bring that despair back with you to the real surface ...
    The feeling I had was of crumbling from the inside out, reading this - I was crumbling with your words ...
    Don't change a thing !
    | Posted on 2013-05-08 00:00:00 | by Akiko Hime | [ Reply to This ]
      This is pretty good. You have greatfeeling and emotion coming through, but try chopping the long lines a bit. if you want it to read faster like a run way chop them in awkward places.
    how do i stop time long enough to
    reach the depths of my heart
    i close my eyes
    not wanting to see-
    screams strike out from the dark,
    madness whispers my name and
    i strain to escape its reach
    running to the bitter blissful deep

    This is tightened up a bit without the simple i ran i strain i close format that seems a bit simple. I'd leave the rest so your tension is not lost.
    | Posted on 2013-05-07 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]

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